At the beginning of this calendar year, I made that mock New Years resolution (the one every woman makes) to get in shape. I didn't say it out loud though (hence "mock") because I was certain failure loomed in the distance. I joined a group of women at my church who were going through the Made to Crave book by Lisa TerKeurst. As it turned out, my secret resolution was only part failure, because reading Made to Crave actually did change my views on food. I'm sure I'll get into the details later, but for now all I really need to say is that Lisa's book inspired me to talk to a dear friend about my issues with my weight and my body.
Now, talking about my weight is something that I never really do. I am 24, and I have memories of being overweight that start at age three or four during dance lessons. I desperately wanted a sequined leotard that was for sale. I remember begging my mom for that leotard and she painfully tried to explain to me that it wouldn't fit me. I don't remember the specifics, and I'm sure my mother was NOT trying to tell me I was fat, but that was the message I understood. And it stuck. Years later, I looked back at all of my memories and experiences as an overweight child, teen, and young adult, and needed to really talk about them. I needed to talk about my pain, and Lisa's book sparked some conversations with my friend Kimberly that contributed greatly to my healing process. Most importantly, Made to Crave asked that I look at my emotional relationship to food and let God fill me up instead of turning to a Dr. Pepper or a handful of cookies in attempts to satisfy me. And somewhere in the process of going through that book, talking to Kimberly, and starting to try to really let God fill the broken places in my heart, he showed me an invaluable lesson.
After a few good chats, Kimberly helped me make a list of goals that related to my fitness routine. Instead of putting a negative spin on my fitness regime (by starting everything with "don't" and punishing myself with activities that overwhelmed me) Kimberly suggested that I choose a handful of "do's" to focus on. I chose to go outside, cook one new, healthy dish each week, etc. And I was excited. Kimberly helped me realize how important being positive can be, because I left with a list of do's that seemed quite doable!
Later in the week I set out to accomplish one of my goals, and ride my bike. It was a new bike that I'd had for a few months and had never ridden... yet another of my failed attempts at becoming physically fit. But that day I started riding that bike around the block, and could not figure out what was wrong with me! Everyone knows you aren't supposed to be able to forget how to ride a bike, but I wasn't doing so hot! I could barely get down the block on my wobbly bike. It was downright embarrassing. But I wasn't ready to give up, yet. I took my bike to the top of my parking garage (we called it the room or requirement at school, because it was used for every purpose under the sun) and gave bike-riding a try up there. After about 20 minutes I was done. I couldn't get that bike going the right direction... and turning a circle seemed like a deathly endeavor. About ready to cry, I headed back downstairs and put my bike in the bike room. I was pretty sure it would be collecting dust there for a long time.
A few weeks passed and I didn't think about my bike. During that time I was slowly learning that there was nothing wrong with me or my body. Yes, I needed, and still need, some work in the physical fitness area, but the years of shame and fear and feeling like a second-class citizen because of the way I look started to fade away, and I began to believe that, while I am a totally depraved person spiritually, there is nothing that is innate in me that makes me a second-class, unlovable human as far as personality or smarts or anything else.
One day, God spoke to me, in a metaphor, because I was an English major and I love metaphors. He told me to try riding my bike again, so I went downstairs and took a good look a the rubber and metal that I'd learned to despise. That's when I learned the truth. The bike I'd purchased had been put together by a dutiful Walmart employee... who hadn't really put it together at all. There were loose screws everywhere, and the brakes were attached to the wrong side of the handlebars. No wonder I couldn't control that bike! And instead of looking at my bike and being mad, I realized that my bike was a lot like me. The bike (my body) was fine. The problem was just some loose screws and parts that needed to be adjusted. It wasn't broken beyond repair. It wasn't something ugly and worthless and unlovable. It just needed to be repaired by someone who understood bikes, and that certainly was not me.
A few days later I told Kimberly about my bike. And I told her that I thought God was telling me that I am like that bike. I'm God's creation, and if my pieces are put in proper working order, I will go far in life, etc. During the service that week, Kimberly wrote these words to me, "There is no need to keep wobbling on a broken bike. Work with it don't battle with it. Understand how it works. Understand what is not set right, then ride in freedom and ENJOY the ride! Don't blame yourself for starting out off track--rejoice in the new path. Don't focus on the past except as a measure of the freedom and power in Christ to achieve progress for His glory. Christy, there is nothing wrong with the bike, just the assembly! Let God put it back together and show you how to ride!"
So that is what I have been doing this year. I've been letting got tighten up my loose nuts and bolts. I've been learning to trust and ride joyfully, knowing that God is in control. Yes, I had a few months where I reverted to my old ways. I even got off the bike and sat down for a bit when I was anxious about God's path, but the past few months have been unlike any I've ever experienced. God has drawn me closer to him. He has shown me incredible things about himself, and given me a taste of the Holy Spirit that left me thirsty for so much more of Him! And I'm back on track. No thanks to anything that I have done. My attempts served only to derail me! But, God when I sit back, let God do the bike maintenance, AND let him lead... friends, the result is that sweet, ever-elusive joy which is unattainable when I'm in control.
I post can't even begin to describe the work God has begun in me. And that is why I've started this blog. If nothing else, I need to remind myself of what God has done. Sometimes, Satan is successful in convincing me that I'm headed nowhere, fast. So I am going to write down my experiences with God in attempts to give Him the credit He deserves. I don't expect every post to be syrupy sweet, because I have more than my share of dark moments, but I need to remember those two. I need to see how God lifts me out of my circumstances, out of myself, and loves me no matter what. I need to meet God here, so that I remember who He is. So, if anyone is reading, bear with me. If you desire Him, he just might meet you here, too!
