Another lifetime ago I was a full-time nanny. Another lifetime ago I was an intern. I was a Columbusite, a Graduate Assistant, a friend, a neighbor, a classmate. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Of course, it was only two months ago that I found myself in a new city with new people (and not one, but TWO new jobs).
Now I sit in a new friend's house babysitting a new tiny human. I'm not an intern, I'm in charge of giving direction to an entire ministry (umm... whose idea was THAT?). I'm a Maconite.
Time is such a crazy concept. I really feel like I've been here for at least a year. I've learned a few of the short cuts around town. I have a favorite Starbucks, where I know some of the baristas by name. I have a young adult's group that I attend. I have a new kitten. I'm volunteering at Campus Clubs. Oh yeah... I have two jobs and I'm still a student. I'm busy. I'm integrated. I'm growing where I've been planted. And thinking about how much life has changed in the past two months makes my head spin a little bit.
The good:
I really do like life in Macon. I like my baristas. I like my church family. I especially like my co-workers/the core of our church. I feel like good, healthy communication is the norm, not the exception, and I love the camaraderie that already exists between "Mr. Boss," Jim, my MAA friends, Jake, etc., and me. I like my work. I feel like we are making a difference for Christ. Life is hard, but GOOD.
The bad:
I've never been so tired in my life. I'm a perfectionist, and I want to focus my attention on a few tasks that I can perfect. That simply is not an option here. I'm pulled in so many directions all. the. time. I am overwhelmed. I have no clue about how to measure the success of my work. I don't know what bar I need to be rising to. I don't feel like I'm on top of things, ever. But even in all of this the lessons are sweet. I have nothing to give anymore. I'm a vessel. I have to trust Christ, not Christy.
The ugly:
Spiritual attack is real, and I've experienced it like never before since being here. I can't explain it, so I won't try, but Satan isn't taking this church plant as a joke, which kinda makes me think we are doing something right.
There is a tendency to give into self-pity here, which is always a struggle given my melancholy temperament. It is easy to sit at home and tell myself I've been working too hard, or to lick the loneliness wounds, or to woefully look at my ever-empty bank account and feel sorry for myself. These feelings are almost instantly negated when I look at the people we are serving. My bank account could be more depressed. My three jobs are satisfying, and others would be overjoyed to have the work I have. And no matter how legitimate the desire for community is, God is building that around me. It isn't the same type of community I enjoyed after 4 years in Columbus, but it is here, and I am thankful for it. Yes, I miss my friends, but Christ is building friendships here too.
In fact, a new friend said it best: "Being on a trip with others for extended amounts of time really makes you see the sin in yourself." That is what I feel like the past two months have been. I've been on a long trip. I'm with travelers I hadn't met before the journey, and I've had to be on my best behavior in the introductory phase of friendship. I've been trying to be good, and do good work, but I am not good, and my value cannot come from the work that I do. I'm a sinner. I'm selfish. I want what best serves me in every situation. The UGLY of it all comes from really seeing myself.
THANK GOD:
Here is the part where I'm going to give God the praise He deserves. He is working here. He combats the devil's attacks. He is bringing our people together as a community. He is opening our eyes to the very real needs of the city, and providing ways to help circumstantially and spiritually.
As a children's coordinator, He has given me His vision for our children. I was asked to create core values and a vision for the children's ministry, and after struggling to piece something together for a few weeks and coming up with nothing (except dog poo) the Spirit loaned me his glasses for a few hours and at the end of that time I had everything. It was all just there. It is simple. The vision for the children's ministry follows the vision of the church. Our discipleship process is the same. Our desire to be shelter and healing for the broken is there... but it is child-friendly and different at the same time. It was Him. Not me. And I like it that way.
He has also provided me so much support from Columbus it is insane. I'm still working with, the fabulous, Cailey Dumler, and enjoying the benefit of weekly visits with friends. Let's go back to Cailey though... she spoke to Craig Jutila about loaning TLC curriculum, then she made me copies of all the papers I would need for 3 months. She is guiding me as I do paperwork things, as I talk through the logistics of our children's ministry, as I vent about whatever has overwhelmed me during the week... basically she is wonderful, and I am so thankful that the Lord placed us together this year. I feel like I've just been a taker... like I haven't been much of a help to her, but I'm also just insanely thankful for God's timing and preparation in all of this. Eight months ago children's ministry wasn't on my radar. Now it's my job, and I am thankful that Cailey poured so much into me and helped equip me for where I am now. Thanks, Boss Lady! And thanks God for giving me a friend and resource in MY Boss Lady. ;)
And, I guess, I am also extremely grateful for perspective. I'm thankful for the chance to see extreme need and brokenness. Not only does it keep me grounded in the sense of seeing God's blessings in my life, but it also helps me to see that joy is so much more than circumstances. My job isn't just to reach out and help the "poor, broken people." I'm learning from them. I'm seeing my own sin. I'm also seeing my strengths. The work is hard, but it is truly good. I'm grateful for the chance to be here and be involved. I KNOW I'm called to be here for today. I don't know what all my tomorrows hold, but the work here, today, is sweet. The harvest is plentiful. The workers are few, but we are surrendered to Christ and His leadership, and that is a sweet place to be.
It is the same lifetime, but another life. I'm the same person, but I've changed. I've learned so much, and I'm dramatically different than I was two months ago. I guess I probably have the same number of rough edges and issues, but, hey, I'm still human. All I'm saying is that the challenges of change are sweet, and I'm thankful to be where I am right now.
How have the past few months been for you?
p.s. I have business cards and a church email address. Is this what it feels like to be an adult?
p.p.s. I'm still really just a kid. I still ALWAYS end up at the kids table at adult functions. Go figure.
p.p.p.s. I probably end up at the kid's table because I go over and pull out the tickle monster. Guess it's all my fault after all. ;)
