The first few paragraphs of Embracing Obscurity: Becoming Nothing in Light of God’s Everything
sums up my life. The author (Anonymous) writes that there is an unsuspected
poison that is “numbing us, diverting our attention from the kingdom and
undermining the gospel of Christ… We’re intoxicated with the desire to be
known, recognized, appreciated, and respected. We crave to be a “somebody” and
do notable things, to achieve our dreams and gain the admiration of others. To
be something—anything—other than nothing.”
In the past few days, I’ve been realizing how deeply this
desire to be a “somebody” affects my life.
It’s the reason I haven’t blogged in months.
It’s the reason I get anxious about the past, present, and
future.
It’s the reason I buy stuff.
It’s the reason I volunteer my time and talents
It’s the reason I feel unwelcome at church.
It’s the reason I agonize over my life’s calling.
I want to be special, and I want for you to KNOW that I am
special.
But let me back up a bit and explain where this is all
coming from.
I haven’t posted in a few months, and that is because my
life has been a little crazy. Frankly, I’ve been depressed. I’ve been worried
about my future:
What is my career going to be?
How am I going to pay the bills in the next few months?
Will I ever be able to get out of debt?
What is my purpose in life?
Why did God gift me with talents and passions and spiritual
gifts if I am not able to fully use these things in my career?
Can I go to seminary yet, God?
Why won’t you let me work in ministry?
All of these questions have been running through my head
over the past few months, and, although I’ve been aware of it at times, I am
currently struck with how “me” focused I’ve been. At the center of my selfishness
is this desire to be known and liked, and God has been showing me that I’m not
exactly the competent, admirable, somebody that I once thought I was.
God has been ruthlessly pursuing my heart throughout all of
this. He has been wrecking me. Over the past few years, He has been constantly
breaking me down, ripping me apart, and dealing with my stubborn refusals to do
things His way. If I were a house, it would be fair to say that the Lord was
tearing me down nail by nail these past few years. And at the beginning of this
calendar year, all that was left was my foundation. But that foundation was
faulty.
During my period of cyber silence, the Lord has been ripping
up the concrete and steel in my heart. He’s been taking my faulty foundation,
grinding it up (which has been more than a little painful) and creating a new
foundation in truth. Scripture is replacing the lies that I believed, and as
God is pouring this new, improved foundation in my heart, He is dealing with me
in a few particular areas: chiefly my pride, and my fear of man.
So, back to Embracing Obscurity… it sounds horrible.
At the core of my selfish, depraved, human heart is a deep
desire to be known, and to be special. I want to do something great with my
life. I want to be well liked, and valued among my peers. I want for people to
seek out my company and friendship. I want to be anything other than obscure.
Yet obscurity is what I’ve felt during my time in Macon.
In Columbus, people knew me. They valued me, and they told me how valuable I was. Cailey told
me daily what a good job I did at Christ Community. I walked into the church
and easily interacted with 50 people who made me feel important, loved, and
known. I was in a graduate program, with an internship, and I was HEADED SOMEWHERE!
Although Christ Community and being in Columbus was GREAT, it undeniably fed my pride in ways that I was not aware of
until recently.
In Macon, I have had a constant feeling of being one of the
masses. I’m not known, and I don’t feel special. I melt into the crowd. I have
struggled with friendships and community. And I’m not headed anywhere of
importance. I mainly exist, without much to give the people around me. At least
that is how I often feel. And It has been depressing, well, lets call it what
it really is… humbling.
But this time has been sweet too. Because part of my new
foundation is a basic understanding of what Christ is calling me to do/be. He
does not want my glory. He wants his own. He does not desire for me to be
known, but for me to know Him. He wants me to let Him shine, and He wants me to
value His strength and provision, not my own abilities.
He has had to hold my hands behind my back for a bit to
teach me these things. I don’t think I would have ever really learned to look for Christ’s glory had I been able to keep
parading about showing others how great I am (or at least how great I THINK I am). The past few months have
been humbling, but they got me closer to Jesus and began to deal with my pride
and fear of man/need for approval, so they were worth the pain and anxiety and
tears.
I don’t have a nice little bow to tie everything up with
today. I simply need to show you my sin. Right now, my heart wants my glory. I
want you to know me and to like me. I want your approval, because it feeds my
pride.
But, now that the Lord has exposed my sin to me, I know that
He will bring His good work in me through to completion. I’m thankful that He
sent His Spirit, so that I am not alone to deal with my sin. He is always with
me, and that is enough for me.
Until we meet again,
Christy
