Lead Me to the Cross

So, I’ve been searching for motivation in the weight-loss/gym regime for the better part of two months. I started off strong, and then my routine broke, and I just couldn’t get back in the game.

Well, I found some motivation this week… it’s the GOSPEL. Imagine that! ;)    

So, what had happened was this:

During my devotions last/this week, the Lord convicted me about how self-centered I’ve been. Of course, the message was gentle, and sweet, but convicting all the same.  Primarily, I feel a need to refocus on Christ in two areas of life, my sin-slaying adventure, and how I spend my time.

Basically, the point is that I really did lose sight of how/why I do the things that I do. And the answer to the “how/why” question is ALWAYS the Cross.

The Cross was a theme in my daily devotional time this week, and in the Sunday service at Christ Community Church. It came up in conversation numerous times with friends, and the more I thought about what Jesus did for me on the Cross, my self-centered thoughts about finding “fulfilling work” and  my efforts to better myself for my own body’s sake just didn’t matter anymore.  I found myself overwhelmed with what Jesus did for me. Subsequently, over the course of the week, it became easier to choose to love and serve others instead of just loving and serving myself.

This weekend I took my boyfriend to Columbus to meet some of the greatest people he might ever meet. ;)  *yes, part of me is thinking about Mean Girls right now…*

My version of the Mean Girls pic. ;)

I’m so blessed to be able to call these special people my friends! So Saturday night, after everyone was asleep, I found myself bawling. Just crying because I know how incredibly blessed I am, and how undeserving I am of these blessings and Jesus’ Grace.

Of course, I began journaling. Just weeping and writing. It’s what I do. ;) And these were some of my thoughts on the past few months, and life in general.

“I feel so blessed. I wonder, “What have I done to deserve this.” And Your sweet voice comes to me with, “My GRACE.” It’s all about that. Always. I’ve done nothing. I deserve death, yet, you keep pouring out your abundant life onto me, like a waterfall—Niagra Falls!

Forgive me for forgetting the glory of the cross—for forgetting your sacrifice. Forgive me for honoring myself, first and foremost.

            (skipping ahead in my stream-of-consciousness journaling….)

            My actions show that I don’t believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I

don’t believe in the goodness of your creation.  It’s more than understanding depravity. It is reverse pride.  

But Lord, I want to be content with everything that you’ve given me. Even my body. I want to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made… just because you MADE me, not because I look a certain way or act a certain way.

I just want to rest in you by being me, and surrendering all that I am to you for you to refine.  Make me as gold refined...

            I lost sight of it all. I lost sight of the cross, I lost sight of you and the truth.

            Forgive me.

And keep showing me your perfect love. I see it here… with all my friends. And I get that you are pouring it out on me, but I still want to give back… to earn. And I have nothing to give or do that can earn any of it.  Show me how to be ok receiving and not having anything of value to give back.  Show me my worth and value in you.

            But most of all, right now, I just thank you for these sweet, sweet gifts of

friends. Thank you for the Jesus-with-skin-on love that’s rocking my world. And thank you for the Cross.”

Here are some of my sweet Columbus friends 

(from the last time that I went for a visit.)

I love all of these people!!!!

So, with the Cross back in focus in my heart, it was easier to get up and go to the gym at 5:30 again this week. It’s easier to choose to eat what is healthy, because “my only comfort in life and in death [is ] that I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my Savior Jesus Christ.”

Food isn’t my comfort. Jesus is. I don’t deserve to just comfortably eat what I want (all the sweet things!!!) and sleep in and wait for the next phase of life to catch up with me. Quite frankly, the only thing I deserve is death. But Jesus died for me, and now I belong to Him, and I gladly surrender my whole life to Him—even my early mornings in the gym, and the contents of my fridge. It’s all his.

And the rewards (other than eternal life and all) are incredible. Fellowship with Jesus is incredible. Being a part of Christian community and making friendships like I have at Christ Community and in Columbus, and now in Macon… there is just nothing like it.

I’ve surrendered. I’ll keep surrendering in the moments to come (when I try to take my burdens back from The Lord.) But, ultimately, I just want to follow Him, because I know what He did for me.

And right now, following Him looks like going to the gym in the mornings, eating healthily, giving myself to my jobs, and investing in my Macon community.

Those are the things that I’m called to RIGHT NOW, so those are the things that I am going to try to do with passion and zeal, out of a grateful heart.

So, motivation = found. Thankfully, it is coming from Christ, and not just some random reserve of energy that I discovered in my pinky toe. (My pinky toe ain't that big!)

My song for the day:

Only You (David Crowder Band)

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

And It's just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

You should see the view 

When It's only You

ONEderland

Well, I did it (in spite of every sub-conscious, and conscious, effort to sabotage myself) I reached ONEderland today. I now weigh 199.6lbs.

There is a part of me that is embarrassed to admit that I’m a girl who weights 199.6lbs. I’m even more embarrassed to admit that I ever weighted 259lbs. BUUUT, I do, and I did. So I guess that means I’ve officially lost 60lbs. since fall 2011.

I’m still struggling to get back to the gym.

There is still a part of me that is emotionally terrified of losing more weight… a part of me that can’t seem to get over the 55-60 lb hurdle (that’s where I stopped losing weight last time). But, I am not quitting. If I were a car, it would be fair to say that I’ve stalled out on the highway. BUT, I’m not calling someone for a tow. I’m just going to rest a bit until I can get back on the road.

HOPEFULLY, that will happen next week.

Ehh…. Someone I know, who is really smart, keeps telling me something about starting NOW, instead of waiting until tomorrow. I know I need to listen to that advice, but I’m not quite sure how to conjure motivation out of thin air.

So, tonight I think I will list some of my non-scale victories to get me motivated and back in the game. Positive thinking never hurt anyone, so maybe reminding myself of the changes that have taken place in me over the past year will make me realize that I really want to keep going. Let’s give this a shot!

           

*Disclaimer: many of these things may seem ridiculous, but there were times when I couldn’t do them, so I choose to celebrate my progress instead of being embarrassed about where I once was. Please choose to celebrate with me. I’m feeling a little self-conscious about some of these things… like number one.*

Let’s start with weight and body things:

·      I can cross my legs. (Once upon a time, this was nearly impossible. Now it is easy. Let the celebration commence!)

·      Hey, there is a “1” in front of my weight again. Let’s keep it that way.

·      I am pulling clothes from 2008 back into my wardrobe. Prior to 2008, these articles of clothing miiight have fit me during middle school… maybe.

·      I can elliptical for at least 75 minutes without dying.

·      I can run on the treadmill for at least 15 minutes without dying. (I’ve never really run anything or to anywhere in my life, so this is a big deal).

·      I have been consistently losing weight for a little over a year. The “slow and steady wins the race” thing is not my strong suit, so I think this is a pretty big deal.

·      My face is getting back to an oval shape. Much preferable to the pudgy circle it was a year ago.

·      Boots will encompass my calves now.

·      I can shop at Old Navy again, and Lane Bryant clothes are too big!

·      I got rid of all of THE ZIPPER SHIRTS!

·      I’m shopping in my jeans drawer all the time now.  

·      Shopping in my own closet is just always a happy thing, and I’ve done it a lot recently.

·      THE dress almost fits! (Girls know what this means, but I’ll enlighten the guys who dare to venture into my blogging world. Girls almost always have ONE dress that they looooove… and gauge their weight by. It’s the dress that they wore when they felt the most pretty and thin. It may or may not be a special occasion dress. The important thing is that it is the dress that makes them feel gorgeous, and MY dress almost fits again. I’m not sure that I even really like it anymore…. But. It. Almost. Fits. And that is enough for me.)

Emotional things:

·      I feel more comfortable in my own skin.

·      I don’t hate EVERY picture of myself that has been taken in the past three months.

·      I feel more confident of my physical abilities. I even want to start running short distance races… just a 5k, but that is a huge deal for me.

·      I no longer assume that people are looking at me and thinking about my weight. (Of course, I realize that 99% of the time people are thinking about nothing other than THEMSELVES, but the irrational, self-conscious Christy of yester-year often assumed that people were looking at and judging/pitying her. No more!)

·      I don’t find it COMPLETELY unbelievable that someone might find me attractive. Truth: this is still a hard feeling to fight, but my self-image is better, so feeling/being beautiful is more believable than in years past.

So, I never finished this blog last week, but here is the unedited, first and only draft of the ONEderland blog post. Today’s post coming soon.