And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds...

My days are full of blessing and joy, now. Not because my circumstances are easy, but because God is filling up every aspect of my life, and there is no room for anything but joy and love and peace. God is good! 

Today, I was reading from Colossians, and thinking about life. The verses that stuck out to me is Colossians are the following:

vs. 1:21-23

     "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his 

     body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if 

     indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you 

     heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven..." 

If only I could explain to people how true these verses are for my life. Seven years ago, I set out on a journey away from God. I'd been raised in the church, but saw no life there. I searched for Christian relationships, but felt completely "alienated." This made me "hostile in mind," and I began doing "evil deeds." 

Now, on the outside looking in, you probably thought I was ok. I met with a sweet high school friend, over Christmas break, who showed me what I looked like through her eyes during high school. She thought I was always happy. She thought I fit in with my peers. This shocks me, because nothing could be further from the truth. I've felt alienated and alone for most of my life. Yes, there were good times, and as I look back at my past I now smile and see the faces of many precious friends. But at the time, I didn't necessarily feel like my friends cared for me. I felt that I always valued them more than they valued me. The times we spent together were truly wonderful, but mostly because I was starved for acceptance and attention. I felt so alone most of the time. 

Coupled with general anxiety about relationships and acceptance, was the issue of femininity. "What does it mean to be a woman in the modern world?" I asked myself. I felt the world telling me to embrace feminism, and go be something great. "You don't need a man," they said. But when I was behind closed doors my imaginary future husband was my constant companion. I planned our meet cute continuously. I manipulated and dreamed about the guys I met. I sought long and hard to fill the void in my heart with the dream of romantic love--yet no lovers ever came. 

And there was family strife. My family's financial situation was never stable. We lost my childhood home to foreclosure in 2005, and the financial stressors sent me reeling into a fit of self-pity, anxiety, depression and despair. "God cannot exist," I decided. For if He was real, I figured He would care enough about me to give me a home. 

All of my circumstances mixed together forming a toxic cocktail of lies. I doubted that anyone loved me. I doubted that there was any purpose in life. I doubted God. And I chose to reject him in pursuit of the world. I donned the cloak of agnosticism, and carefully built a steel cage around my heart. I taunted Christians and their beliefs. I tried to undermine the faith of my few Christian friends. I took a church job, and read anti-Christian books during the services. Anything for a paycheck. 

My Junior year of college I drank a lot. Maybe not as much as the average college kid, but I drank often, and the aim was to get drunk. I was miserable. I literally did not believe that joy was possible. My dad had lost his most recent job. My parents were living with my brother and sister-in-law (and things were tense). The only guy who had ever shown any interest in me kinda sorta maybe cheated on me (things were complicated). Some days were torturous, filled with more pain that I thought was possible. And other days I didn't feel anything. I was numb. I'd built up my fortress, hunkered down, and prepared to wait out the storm of life with as little pain as possible.

Thank God he sent me a kind, knowledgeable Christian friend. God used a friend during the summer of 2008 to introduce me to apologetics. Although I needed logical proof of God (apologetics) to get over my pride and see truth, the real important thing about this friend was his joy. I didn't really want another theory to think about at that time. If Jason had just presented me with arguments, I would have debated with him and found his truth to be lacking. What I coveted was his joy. He was something... had something... different. He has more than peace. He had joy that overflowed onto everyone around him. And what astonished further astonished me was that he could be full of this joy while separated from his fiancé for six weeks. I'd always dreamed of a man who would complete me, so seeing Jason so full of love and happiness that was not dependent upon seeing his beloved was strange to me. But I was interested. 

I thought about what the logical truth and joy of Jason's God during my dark times. When I was drinking and swearing and looking for something to fill me my Junior year, I also started reading Christian literature and listening to Ravi Zacharias. But I still argued with people about God. I just couldn't understand how he could allow my family to go through trial after trial, without providing "the things that we needed." 

Even after I became a Christian, in 2009, I experienced clinical depression and anxiety. Circumstances were still not good, and one weekend I began cutting. Life's problems must have been my fault. I felt worthless and anxious and ugly and, still, completely alienated. So I cut and watched the blood run down my arms as a way to punish myself for never being enough. 

And then I started surrendering. I looked around me and realized that I could choose to give in and let life kill me, or I could give my circumstances to God and life my life for him. I didn't really see much hope in either direction at the time, but I was at rock bottom, and chose to try climbing up, instead of sitting down and waiting for death. 

It happened slowly. Every time God asked me to surrender something to Him I faught. I did not want to give up my control or my attitude or my pride. Actually... I have to fight to do this every day. But God has been like the purest drug. The more I give to him the more I taste of his character and his love. And I desire more. Every little thing becomes easier. It is easier to give him my efforts and attention because I have slowly fallen in love with him over the past two years. And he is all I want. He is enough. 

And I say this after some real low points. This past summer I was angry with God again. I thought I was headed for seminary in Charlotte. I thought I'd heard him clearly call me to seminary and apologetics. I did not know how it was going to work out, but I decided to trust him with my finances (which is SUPER hard for me) and wait for him to work it all out. Well, friends, God did not work out my finances. He didn't provide me a job, and I did not got to Charlotte. Instead, I ended right back up in Columbus, GA. Back where I started. And I. was. mad.

But, I also felt the sting of rejection. I felt like God had taunted me with something good, and then taken it away--effectively telling me that I was not good enough to go to seminary. My rejection letter read like all the one's I'd received from my job search. He appreciated my application, but would not be requiring my services. Best of luck in all future endeavors. 

And thus the painful process of final surrender began. He'd taken much from me over the course of the past two years, but he still wanted more. He wanted my ALL. And I had no intention of giving him my control at that point. I'd tried it his way, and ended up back were I started. Thanks, but no thanks, God. I'll just do it my way now. And so I fell back into depression and anxiety over the late summer and early fall months of 2011. 

Finally, God put his foot down and demanded my attention. This occurred by a misunderstanding about my financial aid that left me without the money for December's and January's rent. Money is always that that button that sends me spiraling into despair when it gets pressed. And despair I did, for about a week. I cried. I reeled in anger at God. I had a few panic attacks. And then I stopped and listened to God. 

He knows me well. He knows that I am too arrogant to listen unless he stops me in my tracks and makes me look into his face. "LOOK AT ME!' He cries. And when my eyes refuse to meet his he takes hold of my chin and gently pulls my face upwards to meet his. And I surrendered the last few things that I was desperately clinging to last November. 

Now I don't know what I was waiting for. The past few months have been so sweet! I've been making time  to read God's word. I've been praying often. I've received blessings in the form of the fruits of the Spirit. And I've received the gift of community. Last night, fourteen of the young adults in my church family crowded into my living room. We played games, ate food, and experienced the blessing of Christian fellowship. In fact, I'm noticing that as I become closer to Christ all of my relationships are better. I am not focused on what others think of my. Instead, I seek Christ, and seek to make the people around me comfortable. I am much less of a wallflower. And there is not one piece of me that feels alienated. Instead of hostility and evil lies, I am overflowing with joy, and the desire to share what Christ has done in my life. More of him, less of me. 

And as for singleness, it too is sweet. For so long, I sought to lose myself in a man. That is how I thought I'd best be able to experience love. But if I had a husband and kids, I probably would not have been able to invite 14 people over to my house until 1a.m. last night. I would not have been able to pick up and go to the conference I went to on Tuesday. I would not have been able to bake for hours with my sweet Robin yesterday. I would not have been able to fill my schedule to overflowing with exciting activities. I would not be able to change my objective at the spur of the moment. I would not be able to get up early and spend hours with God in nature. Even if I do all these things in marriage, I simply would not be able to do them with the ease that I have now. I won't be able to do as much, because I will have more people to factor into the program. Now it is just me and God, and then whatever activities that God puts in my path. I can pour into people in a way that I don't think I will be able to do as a spouse. And I am thankful for this freedom. It has blessed me with some INCREDIBLE friends, and I can't wait to see how these friendships grow with proper nourishment in the coming months and years. 

And even if I didn't have the community that I currently have around me... I am just loving the second part of this Colossians passage.

     he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, 

Yes. Jesus died for me, and I am experiencing the sweetness of his sacrifice daily.

     in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, 

He died for my sins. And he has saved me from my alienated, hostile, evil ways. 

     if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you 

     heard, 

but I must continue to seek him daily. The second that I try to do it my way is the second that I lose the way. 

     which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven

And when I need a little extra help seeing God, all I need to do is look at his creation. It fills me with wonder and awe. As big as the sky and the sun are.... God is infinitely bigger. And he is beautiful and good and he LOVES. He loves ME. 

And here is sit--blessed beyond measure. 

I do not need a husband or the perfect job. I do not need a peaceful comfortable family life. I do not need someone to hang out with every second of every day. I need much less than I think I do. No matter what materials possession I have, without God I have nothing. 

And I am so thankful that God chose me. I would not wish to be anywhere else. I'm here with him, and it is well with my soul. 

The Kindest Words and Baby Miracles

This past week has been one for the record books. In the simplest math I can figure, God has given me 8 miracles.

First things first, my schedule is changing. If you know anything about my family, you know that we are all hard-wired to love the wee morning hours. Not for a cup of morning coffee, but because they wrap up our marathon-length days. We routinely stay up until 2, 3 or 4 in the morning, and, if given the chance, can sleep until well past noon. So, this year, I decided to change my schedule. After a week of going to bed at 4, 5, or 6am, and waking up anywhere from 11am to 1pm, I decided enough was enough. And that is all the history you need to know in order to understand why my miracle meter now reads 8.

I suppose I should mention that part of my morning routine is set aside for God time. It I was trying to change my schedule in order to go do work or some other nonsense thing... forget about it. But my goals were these:
     6:00am Wake up and make breakfast.
     6:30am Sit down and actually enjoy my breakfast, while praying for my day and the people on my
            prayer list. (p.s. That means I pray for most anyone who might actually read this blog).
     7:00am Read a few chapters of my Bible.
     7:30am Grab whatever I need for the first part of my day, and head out to see the sunrise.
     7:42am Watch the sunrise, and sing praised to God. This portion of the day happens on the 5th floor of  
            the parking garage, where many people can see and hear me; but, I don't really care if they hear me
            singing praises to God. He deserves them.
     8:00am Listen to the 1st Pres. church bells. They fill me with awe and appreciation. And then I read or
            sing some more, until I have to go on with my day.

If words could possibly express what getting up and MAKING time for God, first thing in the morning, has done for my life, I'd write a dissertation about it. Lucky for you, there are no words. I cannot tell you how high my heart leaps when God allows me to see the first few rays of sunlight peeking through the clouds. I know words will not allow you to experience the joy I feel, or the love I'm beginning to feel towards my Savior. I can't tell you how awesome it is to have a heart level relationship with God, instead of the head knowledge relationship I've had in the past. The Holy Spirit has changed my life over the past two or three months, but He has taken me even closer to God in this week than I ever really thought was possible. And these words are not sufficient, so I will continue on with my story.

I count each of the seven days that I've been awake at 6:00am as miracles. Not only are they miracles because I was on the waking end of 6:00am, but they are miracles because God MET ME at 6:00am. He quieted my anxious heart. He whispered sweet nothings in my ears. And then he showed me indescribable beauty, in his creation and in his Word. This week I received seven miracles, and a heap-full of Jesus.

This is where the "kindest words" come into play. As I was leaving the Stewart Family/Friend Bible Study (apparently, I've just given it a formal name) Mr. Mike stopped me and a variation of the following exchange occurred.
     Mr. Mike: Christy, you are different today. Your whole demeanor has changed.
     Me: Well, honestly, it is because I've had an awesome week. I've been (insert my morning schedule  
            story here...) and God has really been working this week. It has been awesome!
     Mr. Mike: Well, it shows. That's what happens when the Holy Spirit is present.

If I knew how to create an emoticon with a mouth that gapes open in surprise, I'd include that here. Since I do not know how to create such a character, I will just tell you that I have never had anyone tell me anything so sweet before in my entire life. Even more surprising, is that I truly consider such a comment to be a compliment.

You see, I am quite proud. I like to be good at things. I like to be smart. I like to win. I like for people to know that I have done something wonderful. I NEED to feel special. So, to have someone tell me that they see someone else in me might not have been the biggest complement a few years ago. It wouldn't have stroked my ego enough. But tonight, I was overjoyed. I've been praying for the Fruits of the Spirit. I've been praying "less of me, more of you, Lord." I've been resting in the love of my heavenly Father, and struggling to let go of pride. I still have a LONG way to go, but this week has been sweet. And even though I've been loving it, I never really imagined anyone would see a difference in me. Of course... that is a little silly. If my flaws are replaced with even a smidge of God's perfection, I certainly hope SOMETHING will look different, and with a few sweet words Mr. Mike assured me that God has been faithful. He is slowly shaping me into something that looks more like Him. Praise the Lord!

And here is the part where I almost got a ticket.

Due to my excitement over all that God has been doing in my life, I found myself cruising down 2nd Avenue singing praise to God for being faithful. I was singing along to my 2004 All State CD... yes... I just admitted that. The words were, "shout 'Glory! Glory, Glory!'" and I was certainly doing just that. I was singing and thinking God for all that he has done for me, and apparently my foot got excited too, because I was speeding. Blue lights flashed, and I pulled over in shame.

And this is where God gave me miracle number 8.

As I was getting my license and registration, I thought back to all those times Satan tried to keep me away from church via car issues (he failed). I thought about all the stuff God has done for me. I thought about the fact that Mr. Mike's comment made me happier than I've probably ever been, and I knew Satan was just trying to steal a little of my joy. Sometimes, I can see Satan's game plan, and tonight I knew I could get upset, or just accept that I'd been speeding, and still be happy about God... He still freakin lives INSIDE OF ME. How can that fact not make you at least a LITTLE excited? And a ticket certainly isn't the end of the world... unless you need to keep your CDL license. ;)

So the officer approached, asked me where I was headed in such a hurry. Asked if I was a student at CSU. (All of my answers were, "Home, sir. Sorry, sir. Yes, sir." etc) AND THEN HE TOLD ME TO SLOW DOWN, AND HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

Now, I was clearly speeding. Without cause. I didn't plead my case. I didn't cry... which reminds me....
      The other time I got pulled over for speeding, I cried and told the officer I'd just gotten a call saying my  
      brother had a seizure and I was just trying to get home. Lies. All Lies. (But I'm forgiven!)
Friends, I didn't need to lie. I didn't even get upset. I was ready to accept the consequences of my actions, and the officer gave me a pass without even giving me a hard time. When you have my circumstantial track record... where anything that can go wrong, goes wrong, you see things like these as miracles.

So that is how God provided for me tonight. He provided me with friends and a surrogate family, he provided me with sweet words that brought me joy, and he brought me a citation-free evening.

So, I will simply end by stating the truth. God is good--all the time. He is good when you get a ticket, and when you don't. He is good when you are alone with him, and when you are surrounded by friends who celebrate Him with you. He is good when you are happy, and when you are sad. And my prayer is that He reveals himself to you too, friends.

Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, and again I say "Rejoice!"

Even the Fog

Last night I couldn't sleep. In fact, I lay in my bed for five hours hoping the Sandman would come for a visit, but, alas, he eluded me. Such a tricky fellow! After trying every method I knew to help me slip out of consciousness, I decided to throw in the towel and get up at 5:30am. I started a new day, at a time I may not see again for a few months. Ok, let's be honest--I may not EVER wake up that early in my life, but there is a chance I will pull an all-nighter again before the semester is over, right?

Anyways... I made breakfast, and reveled in the quiet of the wee morning hours. Although quiet is not hard to come by in my single lady apartment, there is something different and special about the morning silence, and I drank it in today. After breakfast and my God quiet time, I wrote the names of about 100 of my friends on some prayer sticks, and then prayed for a few of the people who stuck out in my mind today. I wrote one friend a letter, and I marveled at the quantity of special people that I am privileged to call friends. There was such a sweet peace in my apartment this morning, and God was certainly there with me. Who needs the sandman when you have God, right?

For some reason, I decided that I wanted to see the sunrise today. I checked the sun's ETA and got ready to head out, without bothering to see what the skies actually looked like. If you live in Columbus, you know that today was a horribly, dreary, foggy day. There was no sun to be seen, but I was on a mission, and I knew God would show me something wonderful... even if I had to strain my eyes looking through dense fog in order to see God's creation.

And I was half right.

God did not clear up the skies just in time for me to see the sun streak over the horizon. He didn't throw a rainbow in the sky or even show me anything that can be labeled pretty, but he did whisper something to my heart that made my trip worthwhile.

I ended up where I always end up, when in need of solace, in Columbus. I went to the 5th floor of the parking garage--Riverpark's room of requirement. I parked my car facing East, put in my favorite Lauren McCuistion CD (which I purchased in the 9th? grade... right before I renounced God for Agnosticism. Such a silly girl.) And I waited.

The first song on that CD always speaks to me. It has been a constant prayer for me over the years. It is simple, lyrical and sweet.

Better

God you know my heart. 

I've laid it down before you. 

God, you know my deep desire--

How I only want to follow you. 

And I know that you've got 

The desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

And I've simply gotta trust, 

That if you choose 

Not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better. 

Better is your plan for me. 

Better is your perfect timing. 

Better it is when I look through your eyes. 

And I know 

That you've got the desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

I've simply gotta trust 

That if you choose not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better. 

Better it is better it will be. 

And I know...

That you've got the desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

And I've simply gotta trust 

That if you choose not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better.

If ever I'm worried, all I have to do is sing this song a few times and I cry. I can't say that I've always believed these words in my heart. I used to sing along with the CD and pray to believe these words.  I'd pray to believe that the money issues, and friend issues, and family issues, and school issues didn't matter. I'd pray for real faith in these words, but it has always been hard for me to believe that God had something better for me, when circumstances seem to get continually worse.

But today, as I looked at the fog, I marveled at the work God has been doing in my heart. Over the past few months I've been in less than desirable circumstances, in more ways than one. And God has used these circumstances to draw me closer to him. For, perhaps, the first time in my life I've been able to consistently sing this song in the morning and know it is truth. The missing link was the belief that reward in this life is not the goal. I now believe, in my head and in my heart, that heaven is my better. No matter what circumstances may be, God is with me. His spirit is here, and it is alive... IN ME. He has been revealing himself to me in a very real way for a few months now, and I've been able to feel the things that were, for a very long time, only head knowledge. HE IS ALIVE, ALIVE! CHRIST JESUS IS ALIVE!

... but back to the fog.

As I sang this song and looked at the space where I knew the sun to be, I realized God was showing me the truth of this song via nature. I knew I was facing the sun and, had the clouds lifted, I'd have been able to feast my eyes on God's creation. But, as life shows us often, things get in the way. They get in between us and the sun/Son. And if we dwell on the circumstances we miss the truth. The sun is there. It is alive and bright and warm. The Son is there. He is alive, and bright and warm. He loves me. He loves you. And if we are focused on the truths that we know to be true--if we focus on heaven and the Kingdom, a little fog will not steal our joy.

So I sat, and I sang praise to my savior. And I cried. I watched the fog and cried tears of joy, because my savior lives in me, and, if I let him speak, he will show me how to rejoice in all things. Even the fog.

New Year's Bliss

I'm supposed to be asleep, but I can't shut my brain off. Awareness of the passing of time brings out the "meta" in me, so I guess I'm now writing the obligatory New Year's Eve/Day blog.

Firstly, I think it is of great importance to note that my previous New Year's thoughts were nothing like they are now. I've been struggling with the mid-twenties malaise for a while, but I find it interesting that I am not plagued with that tonight. New Year's eve and day usually mean anxiety and depression for me. Every year, I look back at all the sad, disappointing things that happened, and lament that I have not made it any closer to my big goals in life. But not this year.

For those of you who are wondering, my big goals have changed a little over time, but the main one has always been the same. I've always dreamed of being married. It has never been the grandeur of a wedding that makes my heart race. No, I just want a husband. I want someone to love (and to love me) for the rest of my life. And as long as I'm airing my dirty laundry here, I'll just go ahead and admit that I've never even been on a date. I've never had a boyfriend. I have been kissed, but it was a less than ideal situation that I'd really rather not count (if anyone is keeping score). And as 2011 gives way to 2012, I'm not upset about this. I mean, of course I'm not overjoyed by my current situation, but I'm more at peace with it than I've ever been. And this time it isn't the peace of denial. I'm not just cutting off the possibilities because they hurt and are scary. As corny and cliche as it may sound, I am learning what intimacy with God looks like, and suddenly other things just don't seem to matter as much. Maybe this sounds crazy to you, but maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about because you've experienced it too. I hope you identify with the later, because it really is pretty awesome.

Other big goals have been job and friend related. My job goals have changed over the years. There was a time when I felt like I had to have a big important job in order to be a successful person. I honestly felt like wanting to stay home and be a mom was a bad decision that only simple people made. Some of this is in relation to my childhood, but these thought mostly came from the pressures of school. Everywhere I looked people were telling me that women could do everything a man could. OF COURSE this is not a bad message, but some wires short circuited as the mantra took residence in my brain. I took the women's rights/girl power messages to devalue anything that is seen as traditionally feminine. I wanted an important job, one that made me powerful, and being a mom or a teacher or participating in any career that was traditionally female seemed somehow... less. It seemed weak. I struggled with what it meant to be feminine and womanly in the modern world, and have only recently really started to believe that being a mom or a teacher or something low key could be a worthwhile profession.  I'd actually prefer to be somebody's mom and not "work," in the traditional sense.

But something strange has happened in regards to my profession, too. At the risk of sounding way too radical and simple all at once--I must admit that I really just want the freedom to openly proclaim and discuss my beliefs at work, which makes most careers sound like a bummer to me. I can't do this at a public school, so I really don't want to teach. But even with a complete uncertainty about what career path I will end up on in the next few years, I'm more than content tonight.

With all the detours I've taken this year, and with all the uncertainty of my future, I can't help but be amazed at what God has been teaching me (especially in the past few months). A little over two years ago I was agnostic. I pedaled my bike around aimlessly because postmodernism told me there was no objective purpose in life, and I believed that. I lived by the phrase that "life's about the journey, not the destination." And, friends, the problem with my ideology was that I didn't even believe there was a destination. Today, I might say something about the journey being sweet because it truly is. You have to stop and smell the roses and appreciate the journey, but I believe in a destination. I'm headed somewhere. My life has purpose, and that purpose is directly related to my belief in God and my desire to glorify his kingdom. I may not know what my destination is, but I can enjoy the journey because God is steering my bike, and I'm content to let him have control.

So this year, as I try to organize the thoughts running through my head, I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am optimistic--I know, you never thought you'd hear me say it! This year just seems bright and shiny and full of possibilities. This year is full or hope and promise and potential JOY! I'm sure it will hold its share of trials, especially since I'm entering into the year in a positive state of mind. There is a certain little guy who loves to pounce on Christians when they are feeling a little too much Spirit, but I am on the watch for him, and I don't plan on letting him get me down. Yes, I have tasted the Spirit, and He is with me now. He will be with me in 2012, and that is why I have hope. Situationally, 2011 was devastating, but spiritually, it was such a blessing. And now I'm anxious to keep going. I'm ready for 2012, and I can't wait to see what this year brings.

Thank you, Lord, for all of your gifts. Even life's fleas (see Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place).