Even the Fog

Last night I couldn't sleep. In fact, I lay in my bed for five hours hoping the Sandman would come for a visit, but, alas, he eluded me. Such a tricky fellow! After trying every method I knew to help me slip out of consciousness, I decided to throw in the towel and get up at 5:30am. I started a new day, at a time I may not see again for a few months. Ok, let's be honest--I may not EVER wake up that early in my life, but there is a chance I will pull an all-nighter again before the semester is over, right?

Anyways... I made breakfast, and reveled in the quiet of the wee morning hours. Although quiet is not hard to come by in my single lady apartment, there is something different and special about the morning silence, and I drank it in today. After breakfast and my God quiet time, I wrote the names of about 100 of my friends on some prayer sticks, and then prayed for a few of the people who stuck out in my mind today. I wrote one friend a letter, and I marveled at the quantity of special people that I am privileged to call friends. There was such a sweet peace in my apartment this morning, and God was certainly there with me. Who needs the sandman when you have God, right?

For some reason, I decided that I wanted to see the sunrise today. I checked the sun's ETA and got ready to head out, without bothering to see what the skies actually looked like. If you live in Columbus, you know that today was a horribly, dreary, foggy day. There was no sun to be seen, but I was on a mission, and I knew God would show me something wonderful... even if I had to strain my eyes looking through dense fog in order to see God's creation.

And I was half right.

God did not clear up the skies just in time for me to see the sun streak over the horizon. He didn't throw a rainbow in the sky or even show me anything that can be labeled pretty, but he did whisper something to my heart that made my trip worthwhile.

I ended up where I always end up, when in need of solace, in Columbus. I went to the 5th floor of the parking garage--Riverpark's room of requirement. I parked my car facing East, put in my favorite Lauren McCuistion CD (which I purchased in the 9th? grade... right before I renounced God for Agnosticism. Such a silly girl.) And I waited.

The first song on that CD always speaks to me. It has been a constant prayer for me over the years. It is simple, lyrical and sweet.

Better

God you know my heart. 

I've laid it down before you. 

God, you know my deep desire--

How I only want to follow you. 

And I know that you've got 

The desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

And I've simply gotta trust, 

That if you choose 

Not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better. 

Better is your plan for me. 

Better is your perfect timing. 

Better it is when I look through your eyes. 

And I know 

That you've got the desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

I've simply gotta trust 

That if you choose not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better. 

Better it is better it will be. 

And I know...

That you've got the desire of my heart. 

And you've got it set apart. 

And you know the better thing. 

And I've simply gotta trust 

That if you choose not to give me what I want, 

You'll give me something better.

If ever I'm worried, all I have to do is sing this song a few times and I cry. I can't say that I've always believed these words in my heart. I used to sing along with the CD and pray to believe these words.  I'd pray to believe that the money issues, and friend issues, and family issues, and school issues didn't matter. I'd pray for real faith in these words, but it has always been hard for me to believe that God had something better for me, when circumstances seem to get continually worse.

But today, as I looked at the fog, I marveled at the work God has been doing in my heart. Over the past few months I've been in less than desirable circumstances, in more ways than one. And God has used these circumstances to draw me closer to him. For, perhaps, the first time in my life I've been able to consistently sing this song in the morning and know it is truth. The missing link was the belief that reward in this life is not the goal. I now believe, in my head and in my heart, that heaven is my better. No matter what circumstances may be, God is with me. His spirit is here, and it is alive... IN ME. He has been revealing himself to me in a very real way for a few months now, and I've been able to feel the things that were, for a very long time, only head knowledge. HE IS ALIVE, ALIVE! CHRIST JESUS IS ALIVE!

... but back to the fog.

As I sang this song and looked at the space where I knew the sun to be, I realized God was showing me the truth of this song via nature. I knew I was facing the sun and, had the clouds lifted, I'd have been able to feast my eyes on God's creation. But, as life shows us often, things get in the way. They get in between us and the sun/Son. And if we dwell on the circumstances we miss the truth. The sun is there. It is alive and bright and warm. The Son is there. He is alive, and bright and warm. He loves me. He loves you. And if we are focused on the truths that we know to be true--if we focus on heaven and the Kingdom, a little fog will not steal our joy.

So I sat, and I sang praise to my savior. And I cried. I watched the fog and cried tears of joy, because my savior lives in me, and, if I let him speak, he will show me how to rejoice in all things. Even the fog.