And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds...

My days are full of blessing and joy, now. Not because my circumstances are easy, but because God is filling up every aspect of my life, and there is no room for anything but joy and love and peace. God is good! 

Today, I was reading from Colossians, and thinking about life. The verses that stuck out to me is Colossians are the following:

vs. 1:21-23

     "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his 

     body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if 

     indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you 

     heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven..." 

If only I could explain to people how true these verses are for my life. Seven years ago, I set out on a journey away from God. I'd been raised in the church, but saw no life there. I searched for Christian relationships, but felt completely "alienated." This made me "hostile in mind," and I began doing "evil deeds." 

Now, on the outside looking in, you probably thought I was ok. I met with a sweet high school friend, over Christmas break, who showed me what I looked like through her eyes during high school. She thought I was always happy. She thought I fit in with my peers. This shocks me, because nothing could be further from the truth. I've felt alienated and alone for most of my life. Yes, there were good times, and as I look back at my past I now smile and see the faces of many precious friends. But at the time, I didn't necessarily feel like my friends cared for me. I felt that I always valued them more than they valued me. The times we spent together were truly wonderful, but mostly because I was starved for acceptance and attention. I felt so alone most of the time. 

Coupled with general anxiety about relationships and acceptance, was the issue of femininity. "What does it mean to be a woman in the modern world?" I asked myself. I felt the world telling me to embrace feminism, and go be something great. "You don't need a man," they said. But when I was behind closed doors my imaginary future husband was my constant companion. I planned our meet cute continuously. I manipulated and dreamed about the guys I met. I sought long and hard to fill the void in my heart with the dream of romantic love--yet no lovers ever came. 

And there was family strife. My family's financial situation was never stable. We lost my childhood home to foreclosure in 2005, and the financial stressors sent me reeling into a fit of self-pity, anxiety, depression and despair. "God cannot exist," I decided. For if He was real, I figured He would care enough about me to give me a home. 

All of my circumstances mixed together forming a toxic cocktail of lies. I doubted that anyone loved me. I doubted that there was any purpose in life. I doubted God. And I chose to reject him in pursuit of the world. I donned the cloak of agnosticism, and carefully built a steel cage around my heart. I taunted Christians and their beliefs. I tried to undermine the faith of my few Christian friends. I took a church job, and read anti-Christian books during the services. Anything for a paycheck. 

My Junior year of college I drank a lot. Maybe not as much as the average college kid, but I drank often, and the aim was to get drunk. I was miserable. I literally did not believe that joy was possible. My dad had lost his most recent job. My parents were living with my brother and sister-in-law (and things were tense). The only guy who had ever shown any interest in me kinda sorta maybe cheated on me (things were complicated). Some days were torturous, filled with more pain that I thought was possible. And other days I didn't feel anything. I was numb. I'd built up my fortress, hunkered down, and prepared to wait out the storm of life with as little pain as possible.

Thank God he sent me a kind, knowledgeable Christian friend. God used a friend during the summer of 2008 to introduce me to apologetics. Although I needed logical proof of God (apologetics) to get over my pride and see truth, the real important thing about this friend was his joy. I didn't really want another theory to think about at that time. If Jason had just presented me with arguments, I would have debated with him and found his truth to be lacking. What I coveted was his joy. He was something... had something... different. He has more than peace. He had joy that overflowed onto everyone around him. And what astonished further astonished me was that he could be full of this joy while separated from his fiancé for six weeks. I'd always dreamed of a man who would complete me, so seeing Jason so full of love and happiness that was not dependent upon seeing his beloved was strange to me. But I was interested. 

I thought about what the logical truth and joy of Jason's God during my dark times. When I was drinking and swearing and looking for something to fill me my Junior year, I also started reading Christian literature and listening to Ravi Zacharias. But I still argued with people about God. I just couldn't understand how he could allow my family to go through trial after trial, without providing "the things that we needed." 

Even after I became a Christian, in 2009, I experienced clinical depression and anxiety. Circumstances were still not good, and one weekend I began cutting. Life's problems must have been my fault. I felt worthless and anxious and ugly and, still, completely alienated. So I cut and watched the blood run down my arms as a way to punish myself for never being enough. 

And then I started surrendering. I looked around me and realized that I could choose to give in and let life kill me, or I could give my circumstances to God and life my life for him. I didn't really see much hope in either direction at the time, but I was at rock bottom, and chose to try climbing up, instead of sitting down and waiting for death. 

It happened slowly. Every time God asked me to surrender something to Him I faught. I did not want to give up my control or my attitude or my pride. Actually... I have to fight to do this every day. But God has been like the purest drug. The more I give to him the more I taste of his character and his love. And I desire more. Every little thing becomes easier. It is easier to give him my efforts and attention because I have slowly fallen in love with him over the past two years. And he is all I want. He is enough. 

And I say this after some real low points. This past summer I was angry with God again. I thought I was headed for seminary in Charlotte. I thought I'd heard him clearly call me to seminary and apologetics. I did not know how it was going to work out, but I decided to trust him with my finances (which is SUPER hard for me) and wait for him to work it all out. Well, friends, God did not work out my finances. He didn't provide me a job, and I did not got to Charlotte. Instead, I ended right back up in Columbus, GA. Back where I started. And I. was. mad.

But, I also felt the sting of rejection. I felt like God had taunted me with something good, and then taken it away--effectively telling me that I was not good enough to go to seminary. My rejection letter read like all the one's I'd received from my job search. He appreciated my application, but would not be requiring my services. Best of luck in all future endeavors. 

And thus the painful process of final surrender began. He'd taken much from me over the course of the past two years, but he still wanted more. He wanted my ALL. And I had no intention of giving him my control at that point. I'd tried it his way, and ended up back were I started. Thanks, but no thanks, God. I'll just do it my way now. And so I fell back into depression and anxiety over the late summer and early fall months of 2011. 

Finally, God put his foot down and demanded my attention. This occurred by a misunderstanding about my financial aid that left me without the money for December's and January's rent. Money is always that that button that sends me spiraling into despair when it gets pressed. And despair I did, for about a week. I cried. I reeled in anger at God. I had a few panic attacks. And then I stopped and listened to God. 

He knows me well. He knows that I am too arrogant to listen unless he stops me in my tracks and makes me look into his face. "LOOK AT ME!' He cries. And when my eyes refuse to meet his he takes hold of my chin and gently pulls my face upwards to meet his. And I surrendered the last few things that I was desperately clinging to last November. 

Now I don't know what I was waiting for. The past few months have been so sweet! I've been making time  to read God's word. I've been praying often. I've received blessings in the form of the fruits of the Spirit. And I've received the gift of community. Last night, fourteen of the young adults in my church family crowded into my living room. We played games, ate food, and experienced the blessing of Christian fellowship. In fact, I'm noticing that as I become closer to Christ all of my relationships are better. I am not focused on what others think of my. Instead, I seek Christ, and seek to make the people around me comfortable. I am much less of a wallflower. And there is not one piece of me that feels alienated. Instead of hostility and evil lies, I am overflowing with joy, and the desire to share what Christ has done in my life. More of him, less of me. 

And as for singleness, it too is sweet. For so long, I sought to lose myself in a man. That is how I thought I'd best be able to experience love. But if I had a husband and kids, I probably would not have been able to invite 14 people over to my house until 1a.m. last night. I would not have been able to pick up and go to the conference I went to on Tuesday. I would not have been able to bake for hours with my sweet Robin yesterday. I would not have been able to fill my schedule to overflowing with exciting activities. I would not be able to change my objective at the spur of the moment. I would not be able to get up early and spend hours with God in nature. Even if I do all these things in marriage, I simply would not be able to do them with the ease that I have now. I won't be able to do as much, because I will have more people to factor into the program. Now it is just me and God, and then whatever activities that God puts in my path. I can pour into people in a way that I don't think I will be able to do as a spouse. And I am thankful for this freedom. It has blessed me with some INCREDIBLE friends, and I can't wait to see how these friendships grow with proper nourishment in the coming months and years. 

And even if I didn't have the community that I currently have around me... I am just loving the second part of this Colossians passage.

     he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, 

Yes. Jesus died for me, and I am experiencing the sweetness of his sacrifice daily.

     in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, 

He died for my sins. And he has saved me from my alienated, hostile, evil ways. 

     if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you 

     heard, 

but I must continue to seek him daily. The second that I try to do it my way is the second that I lose the way. 

     which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven

And when I need a little extra help seeing God, all I need to do is look at his creation. It fills me with wonder and awe. As big as the sky and the sun are.... God is infinitely bigger. And he is beautiful and good and he LOVES. He loves ME. 

And here is sit--blessed beyond measure. 

I do not need a husband or the perfect job. I do not need a peaceful comfortable family life. I do not need someone to hang out with every second of every day. I need much less than I think I do. No matter what materials possession I have, without God I have nothing. 

And I am so thankful that God chose me. I would not wish to be anywhere else. I'm here with him, and it is well with my soul.