Holding on to Hope

I missed a post last week due to being home. Had I written, the news would have been as follows:

"I lost 4.6lbs today! That’s 23lbs (10% of my starting WeightWatcher’s weight) since the date I joined back in the summer. That’s also a total of 50lbs since starting to gradually attack my weight issues last fall."

Last week I was ecstatic.

This week I’m a little less so, but I’m still relatively positive about sin-slaying.

I gained a pound this week, and I’m pretty sure it’s a P.M.S. pound, which sure didn’t help the current P.M.S. situation.

I knew I would gain before I even got up. I knew it before I got to the gym. And even though I wanted to be angry and upset and give up (because the tiniest set back can make me throw my hands up into the air and quit) I got on the treadmill, and ran a mile.

That statement is a baby miracle.

I actually ran a mile in 12 minutes. I literally have never done that in my life until last week. I remember being in kindergarten and hating the running days in P.E. I just knew that I couldn’t keep up with the pack. I knew there was no use in hoping. I just couldn’t do it (or so I thought). So having the discipline to make myself run, even on the days when I just want to get back in bed and sleep and ignore life, is just so knew, and exciting.

I was talking to a friend the other day about what has changed in my weightloss journey, and my answer was “freedom.” I’m not counting WeightWatchers points legalistically, I’m not working out legalistically. I’m not worrying about anything legalistically, and for this control freak, that is another miracle.

I feel free to talk about my journey with others, which has never been the case before. I can tell people my weight, and accept compliments, and even talk openly with a few guys about the spiritual and emotional burdens that weight and food have caused in my life. I just feel free.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with hope.

Today, it has been hard to hold on to hope. Yes, I’ve made progress, but the goals seem so far away. The weight goal is far away, and this week has been rough spiritually. My lack of trust in God has been hugely apparent this week, and as I struggle to believe that He has good things for me, I’ve also noticed just how black my heart is, and how easy it is to be selfish and prideful instead of chasing after God and laying my all down at His feet.

So, back to this morning. As I ran that mile, my eyes focused on the tv screen in front of me. The TV is an Insignia, and the “g” in the name is centered and circled. Each day as I run, I look at that “G” and know that, for me, it stands for “God.” I mentally, and physically, run after God in the gym. The G keeps me focused on my real purpose in slaying my idols, and the worship music that I listen to as I run keeps me mentally at the feet of Jesus.

This morning, as I struggled to hold on to hope, this song made my heart smile.

My future hangs on this

You make preciousness from dust

Please don't stop creating me

Your blood offers the chance

To rewind to innocence

Reborn, perfect as a child

CHORUS:

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

When sin and ugliness

Collide with redemption's kiss

Beauty awakens by romance

Always inside this mess

I have found forgiveness

Mercy as infinite as You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE:

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

...Jesus is so sweet.

As I struggled to hold onto hope, I had a visual reminder of God and His grace to look at. I also had a song for my heart to sing that reminded me of hope and second chances. Yes, I gained weight. Yes, I am sinful and my heart is adulterous. Yes, I look for hope in other places than Jesus. BUT, He wont “stop creating me.” All of the trials in my life are refining me and bringing me closer to Him. He doesn’t discipline me to be mean, He does it because He LOVES me and wants to make me look more like Him.

And He gives me COUNTLESS second chances.

Praise the Lord! He never gives up on me. He is where my hope should be. He forgives. He heals. He molds and shapes me… He makes beautiful things.

And I guess the weird part is that I’m starting to believe that I’M one of the beautiful things God has created. I’ve never felt beautiful, but as I learn to love and trust Him, I am also learning to believe truths like, I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The King is “enthralled with [my?!] beauty.” The Lord made me, and He is refining me, and maybe, just maybe, that means I have worth and value and beauty that comes from being with and of Christ. And if all these things are true, and God has good things for me, maybe I can really hope in Him.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but the good news is that Jesus is changing me, and I can see that. EVEN ON THE HARD DAYS!

I still have a long way to go, but I am choosing to hold on to hope (in Christ and His plan for me.)

I guess I'm also learning to rest, safe and secure, in the arms of my Lord and Savior. 

Thank you, Lord, for being patient with me. Thank you for all of you many glorious blessings. I choose you. I've counted up the cost, and you are still worth it. 

~Christy

The One With the Prayer List!

It’s Blog Post Day!

Well, I’ll start with the good news.

This week I lost 4.8lbs. My clothes are all loose. I bought a new dress today and there was no “X” in front of the “L.” (p.s. the last time I bought a dress at this particular store there were TWO “X’s” in front of the “L”). I also feel better at the gym. I can keep up with Casey, for the most part, and I can feel muscles underneath their protective layer of blubber. Apparently, cardio will take care of this blubber issue. ;)

I’ve lost 10lbs since making the decision to slay this particular sin dragon.

That’s a total of 46lbs since last Fall. 18.3 since starting WeightWatchers four months ago. 

My morale has been pretty good this week. BUT, I forgot to eat a few meals because of being busy. I actually didn’t eat a full meal at all on my birthday because I was busy running errands for the party. Oops! Oh well... GRACE! GRACE! GRACE! J

Not eating isn’t an option, of course, but it happened and I’m not gonna dwell on it now. I have NOT been tracking my food, but I also haven’t been overeating. And I’m kinda ok with the not tracking thing. It keeps me from being too legalistic. I’m just trying to stay off of the legalism train.

Last but not least, I’ve finally put together the prayer list for people who volunteered to pray for me. If I accidentally left someone off of the list, please let me know. I would love for all of you to send me your email addresses and I’ll send you updates on your specific topics. As for praying for pounds, I’ve decided that I want to just share my next goal with you all and have you all pray for that goal.

As of today, I am at 213.8lbs. I want to be in ONEderland by January 1^st ( that means I want to weigh 199 or less… gotta get rid of that nasty 2 out front!) So, that’s 14.8lbs over 6 weeks. It comes out to 2.46666666666666666 (you get the picture?) pounds a week, so pray for that.

Aaaaaaand, here are your prayer assignments. I’ll try to email you all (once I get your email addresses) with more details.

Hollie W.~ Pray that I would learn to die to self in preparation for whatever God’s plans for my future hold.

Mom~ Pray for improved relationships with family.

Tiffany B.~ Pray for solid and consistent quiet times with the Lord.

India W.~ Pray for healthy community in Macon.

Keri R.~ Pray for increased ministry opportunities throughout this process.

Casey S.~ Pray for happy, safe, and energizing workouts.

Kimberly D.~ Pray for my desire for marriage, my singleness, and my future husband and family.

Stephanie Joy D.~ Pray that I will learn to value myself enough to dress to shoes every morning, etc. Pray for improved self-worth that comes from being centered in Christ.

Sally W.~ Pray for diligence and discipline, both at work and as I work to slay sin.

Sarah N.~ Pray for balance between a guarded heart and the ability to be open and vulnerable.

Matt Y.~ Pray for my sin struggles of pride and the need for control.

Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I love you all, and will update you soon!

Love,

Christy

Blessed Beyond Measure

Earlier this year, I made the mistake of trying to read one of my journals from my agnostic years. The pages are dripping with self-pity, depression, and anxiety. Especially on birthdays.  I remember spending some of the most depressing birthdays crying into my journal about how no one really understood, or loved, or cared about me… or some equally angsty complaint. I was such a little whiney baby. When I look back on my past and see just how far Jesus has carried me over the past few years, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m so thankful for His blessings.

When I look back on what was going through my mind in those times of my life, I cringe.
 But, thankfully, Jesus loved me then, he loves me now, and he will love me always!

This morning my roommate had a balloon and a sweet card for me when I woke up. I showered, had my coffee, and then I spent some time with the Lord. It was so sweet. I just sang to Him in my new favorite quiet-time place (the office futon). I sang, and prayed, and cried because I can’t believe how much love, joy, and peace He showers over me daily. He gives good gifts, but, more importantly, HE is good. And today, instead of worrying about what others were going to do for me, (if they would understand me and make my day special) I was just so thankful that God chose to allow me 25 years in this world, and I was thankful that I will get the opportunity to spend eternity in His presence.

I almost can’t believe that less than three years ago I wanted to end my life. If you don’t know my history, perhaps you should know that I’ve struggled with depression for almost as long as I can remember. In the spring of 2010 I was so depressed that I was seriously contemplating ending my life. But God (I love the power of those two words!) intervened and changed my life. He sent me to Christ Community Church, and surrounded me with Christian community. He showed me what real grace and love are all about. And today I was overwhelmed with how much joy (instead of depression) I feel on a daily basis because of my relationship with my savior. Life is so sweet, and I can’t believe how close I came to giving it away.

Today was just SO good. Even though, on paper, this birthday should have been really hard for me. I’m 25, and as little girl I figured I’d be married and thinking about kids by now. Last year that little girl in me was ashamed of the fact that I’d never had a boyfriend (still haven’t). That little girl in me didn’t want to be headed toward 30 single, Oh, last year, 24 made me feel very, VERY aware of my singleness.  But God, has been working in my heart and this year all I feel is blessed.

Ain't that the truth?

I am a child of God. He has provided for me in numerous and incredible ways this year (and in my past). He has blessed me with an incredible community that extends across cities and states. Today my phone rang off the hook with people calling to tell me happy birthday, they didn’t just do the facebook post, they actually called. Even a sweet little girl from church called to wish me happy birthday. All. Day. Long. People. Called.  And God just showered me with love in so many ways.  He reminded me of how faithful He is.

Yes, I felt the "Jesus with skin on" kind of love today, but I was also overwhelmed with joy because my identity is in Christ, and I am so thankful for that. Yes, I am 25 and happen to be single, but God chose me as His bride! I have a history of depression and brokenness, but God redeemed me and He is healing me. I fail miserably at so many of the things that I set out to do, but God loves me anyways, and He is gracious enough to teach me through my failures.

I am a sinner. I have a thoroughly selfish heart. I seek my own gain. I want my own way. I hurt others. I protect myself. I hide. I build up barriers between myself and others. I lash out at people who make me feel threatened. I sin. Every. Day. Intentionally, and unintentionally. BUT GOD always forgives. He always offers Grace. He lets me bury my head in his chest and cry through the pain of life. And He cares enough about me to expose my weaknesses and let that process refine me.

I deserve death, yet He showers me with blessings!

And He also gives me days like today, that are just so sweet and pure and GOOD. So full of JOY! Today I spend time with my Lord. I talked to friends and family. I had some tender moments with the children at Campus Clubs. I got to pray silently over a little boy (with a truly horrible home life) while he nuzzled up next to me to watch The Lion King. And then I had some of my new friends over for food and fellowship. It was just so GOOD. I am truly blessed.

When left to my own devices, I (literally) seek death. BUT GOD can reach down and pluck hearts out of dirt and decay, clean them off, and make them better than new. I am so thankful that He chose to do that for me. I am overflowing with gratitude for the gifts that He has given me, and even in the wake of presents, and cards, and balloons, and sweet acts of service, nothing trumps the gifts God has given me.

So as I turn off my light and get ready for a 5:00am alarm that will put me back in the grind of another normal, birthday-less day, I just want to stop and acknowledge that every day (birthday or not) is a gift from Jesus Christ who died for my sins, and showers me with love. Today was GOOD, but tomorrow is just as sweet, because it is another day with my Lord, and with the people He has placed in my life.

It is MORE than well with my soul.

Jesus, I am in awe of you.

You are so precious to me.

I know I choose sin over you daily,

But I desire to follow you, and know you more.

Keep changing my heart, Lord.

Keep making me more like you.

Keep refining me and making me die to myself.

You are GOOD, when there is nothing good in me.

And I thank you for every second of time

That you have blessed me with on this earth.

Please accept my thanks and praise as an act of worship.

Nothing I say or do will ever be enough to thank you for your gifts to me,

But I have to try.

I have to tell you how much I love you.

I have to sting my puny words together to let you know that I think you are the bee’s knees.

Thanks for showering me with blessings.

Even the ones that come through raindrops.

Wishing you the joy that comes ONLY from having relationship with Jesus Christ,

Christy 

Better Late Than Never

I wrote this last Wednesday, but circumstances prevented me from posting until now. Oops! Oh well! Sorry to post tons of blogs all at once, but I figure you guys love me (and don't have to read them if you don't want to) so it is ok! 

_________________________________________________________________________________

So, I’m sitting in bed thinking about going to sleep at 8:26pm, when I realize that I NEED to process the past week via blog. It is the last thing I want to do, but I need to, so here it goes.

Here is the deal:

This week, I lost 3.4 lbs. BUT, in my mind I really only lost 0.8lbs (because of the 2.6lb gain last week).

I’m mad because I THINK I really lost another pound or two, but I had 48oz of water during my workout (pre weigh-in) so my weight probably wasn’t 100% accurate.

*I, like most WeightWatchers women, like to weigh first thing in the morning in the least amount of clothes possible, after I’ve used the bathroom, and before I drink or eat an ounce of anything. This gives you your lowest weight possible. And those few extra ounces go a long way for morale. At least that’s how this crazy person thinks.*

Oh, how I know about those heavy towels!

Isn’t it a little ridiculous that last week I was ok with a 2.6lb gain, but this week I am mad about losing (only) 3.4lbs. I’m just a little irrational. I know this. You probably do too by now. But the point is I’m frustrated, because I have unrealistic expectations. Which is something we probably need to talk about.

I want this process to be easy. I want to cheat a little on the eating part, go easy on the exercise part, still control my life in the spiritual part, and have amazing, spectacular, wonderful, immediate, dramatic results. ß Clearly, this is not a formula for success.

Yet, when I don’t lose 5lbs in a week, I get depressed, and throw a little tantrum in my heart.

This picture says enough. Witty caption needed. 

Today, I found myself looking into another weight-loss program. In all fairness, I have some serious qualms with WeightWatchers, but this program was not a good alternative. Although it is a Christian program, they give you hormones to help you lose between 15 and 30lbs a month, and I think that defeats the purpose of my sin-slaying adventure.

30lbs a month looks SOOOO good to me, which is scary. I keep saying that this process isn’t just about the weight, yet I’m awfully focused on losing pounds quickly. Of course, I wish that wasn’t the case, and I really struggle with admitting this to you all now, but my heart wants an instant-gratification, get thin quick scheme, and it wants that more than it wants God.

My heart’s default mode is depravity. It wants favorable circumstances that serve ME. It does NOT want hard work that makes me surrender to my savior. I type these words with an air of indifference, because I am stubborn and sinful. I want the circumstances that I think will help me need God less. I want independence and self-sufficiency. My deceitful heart thinks that I want more of the fulfilled, perfected, self-actualized me. But that is all a lie.

I cannot be fulfilled outside of Christ. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and losing 3.4lbs or 30lbs means nothing in the grand scheme of things. My eyes have to be on Christ, and only Christ.

More of Him, less of me. (And I mean that “less” in a selfishness kinda way, not a fewer lbs kind of way.) ;)

Every similar picture of quote that I found about being more than a number on a scale talks about self-actualization. I don't want that. I just want to have trusting God be my default mode. I want to love Him more, and while I don't want to be focused on the number on the scale, I also don't want to be focused on finding "beauty, talent, purse, life forc, possibility, strength, or love".........unless I'm finding those things from having Christ as the center of EVERYTHING that I do. 

Yesterday I was reading a post from the fastpray.wordpress.com blog, and the truth that Jesus keeps trying to teach me was all over this post about marriage. The author describes a moment in her marriage when she realized that her husband didn’t understand her as well as she’d always imaged a husband would. She ended up on the couch crying and feeling as lonely as ever. She writes:

I walked away from the living room episode realizing that what I needed to feel better wasn’t going to come from my husband, despite his best efforts. I needed to come to Jesus for comfort and peace. In that moment, I was thankful that the way to Him was familiar. I had walked the road towards Jesus for comfort many times before during my single years. Though I often time raged against Him. In retrospect, I am very thankful for the ways that God forced me to come to Him in my times of loneliness and fear. He taught me to depend on Him alone for comfort, and I need that dependence on Him just as much in my marriage as I did when I was single.

Two things have always symbolized hope for me—marriage, and being thin.

If only I was thin, life would be ok. People would like me more as a thin person, so I’d get a husband. Husbands make everything better. Life will be perfect when I’m married. ß The thoughts of a crazy person.

I’m not proud of this thought pattern, but if I’m being 100% honest, it is there.

Crazy people love highlighters. They also love the jr. interns at Christ Community Church. (I miss her!!!!)
And, yes, those are pantyhose on my head. 

So, reading a blog post, and looking at the reality of my issues with food shoots the “thin = happy” idea out of the water.

I have to stop believing lies. Boys won’t make me happy. A number on the scale won’t bring me joy.

Only Jesus can help me love, and feel loved. He can show me what joy is, and He gives true peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27. Jesus can give me patience to lose weight slowly and healthily. He can make me kind in the process, even though I just want to hit the people who seem to have never had to worry about their weight or their relationships with food. He can purify my blackened heart and make it look more like His. He can make me good. He is faithful, and can help me be faithful to this marathon of a journey that He set me out on. He can make me be gentler. Hopefully, He will make me gentler with myself as I work to accept who He, in His infinite wisdom, made me to be. And He is working with me on self-control daily. I need big, heaping helpings of discipline and diligence.

So this week has been a little bit of a reality check. If I’m honestly trying to follow God and seek Him in all that I do, it just can’t be about the number on the scale. It has to be about turning to Him, and letting Him hold me through the ups and downs.

Thanks again for all of your support. I know that I haven’t made the prayer list yet, but it is coming. I promise.

Love and blessings,

Christy