Better Late Than Never

I wrote this last Wednesday, but circumstances prevented me from posting until now. Oops! Oh well! Sorry to post tons of blogs all at once, but I figure you guys love me (and don't have to read them if you don't want to) so it is ok! 

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So, I’m sitting in bed thinking about going to sleep at 8:26pm, when I realize that I NEED to process the past week via blog. It is the last thing I want to do, but I need to, so here it goes.

Here is the deal:

This week, I lost 3.4 lbs. BUT, in my mind I really only lost 0.8lbs (because of the 2.6lb gain last week).

I’m mad because I THINK I really lost another pound or two, but I had 48oz of water during my workout (pre weigh-in) so my weight probably wasn’t 100% accurate.

*I, like most WeightWatchers women, like to weigh first thing in the morning in the least amount of clothes possible, after I’ve used the bathroom, and before I drink or eat an ounce of anything. This gives you your lowest weight possible. And those few extra ounces go a long way for morale. At least that’s how this crazy person thinks.*

Oh, how I know about those heavy towels!

Isn’t it a little ridiculous that last week I was ok with a 2.6lb gain, but this week I am mad about losing (only) 3.4lbs. I’m just a little irrational. I know this. You probably do too by now. But the point is I’m frustrated, because I have unrealistic expectations. Which is something we probably need to talk about.

I want this process to be easy. I want to cheat a little on the eating part, go easy on the exercise part, still control my life in the spiritual part, and have amazing, spectacular, wonderful, immediate, dramatic results. ß Clearly, this is not a formula for success.

Yet, when I don’t lose 5lbs in a week, I get depressed, and throw a little tantrum in my heart.

This picture says enough. Witty caption needed. 

Today, I found myself looking into another weight-loss program. In all fairness, I have some serious qualms with WeightWatchers, but this program was not a good alternative. Although it is a Christian program, they give you hormones to help you lose between 15 and 30lbs a month, and I think that defeats the purpose of my sin-slaying adventure.

30lbs a month looks SOOOO good to me, which is scary. I keep saying that this process isn’t just about the weight, yet I’m awfully focused on losing pounds quickly. Of course, I wish that wasn’t the case, and I really struggle with admitting this to you all now, but my heart wants an instant-gratification, get thin quick scheme, and it wants that more than it wants God.

My heart’s default mode is depravity. It wants favorable circumstances that serve ME. It does NOT want hard work that makes me surrender to my savior. I type these words with an air of indifference, because I am stubborn and sinful. I want the circumstances that I think will help me need God less. I want independence and self-sufficiency. My deceitful heart thinks that I want more of the fulfilled, perfected, self-actualized me. But that is all a lie.

I cannot be fulfilled outside of Christ. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and losing 3.4lbs or 30lbs means nothing in the grand scheme of things. My eyes have to be on Christ, and only Christ.

More of Him, less of me. (And I mean that “less” in a selfishness kinda way, not a fewer lbs kind of way.) ;)

Every similar picture of quote that I found about being more than a number on a scale talks about self-actualization. I don't want that. I just want to have trusting God be my default mode. I want to love Him more, and while I don't want to be focused on the number on the scale, I also don't want to be focused on finding "beauty, talent, purse, life forc, possibility, strength, or love".........unless I'm finding those things from having Christ as the center of EVERYTHING that I do. 

Yesterday I was reading a post from the fastpray.wordpress.com blog, and the truth that Jesus keeps trying to teach me was all over this post about marriage. The author describes a moment in her marriage when she realized that her husband didn’t understand her as well as she’d always imaged a husband would. She ended up on the couch crying and feeling as lonely as ever. She writes:

I walked away from the living room episode realizing that what I needed to feel better wasn’t going to come from my husband, despite his best efforts. I needed to come to Jesus for comfort and peace. In that moment, I was thankful that the way to Him was familiar. I had walked the road towards Jesus for comfort many times before during my single years. Though I often time raged against Him. In retrospect, I am very thankful for the ways that God forced me to come to Him in my times of loneliness and fear. He taught me to depend on Him alone for comfort, and I need that dependence on Him just as much in my marriage as I did when I was single.

Two things have always symbolized hope for me—marriage, and being thin.

If only I was thin, life would be ok. People would like me more as a thin person, so I’d get a husband. Husbands make everything better. Life will be perfect when I’m married. ß The thoughts of a crazy person.

I’m not proud of this thought pattern, but if I’m being 100% honest, it is there.

Crazy people love highlighters. They also love the jr. interns at Christ Community Church. (I miss her!!!!)
And, yes, those are pantyhose on my head. 

So, reading a blog post, and looking at the reality of my issues with food shoots the “thin = happy” idea out of the water.

I have to stop believing lies. Boys won’t make me happy. A number on the scale won’t bring me joy.

Only Jesus can help me love, and feel loved. He can show me what joy is, and He gives true peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27. Jesus can give me patience to lose weight slowly and healthily. He can make me kind in the process, even though I just want to hit the people who seem to have never had to worry about their weight or their relationships with food. He can purify my blackened heart and make it look more like His. He can make me good. He is faithful, and can help me be faithful to this marathon of a journey that He set me out on. He can make me be gentler. Hopefully, He will make me gentler with myself as I work to accept who He, in His infinite wisdom, made me to be. And He is working with me on self-control daily. I need big, heaping helpings of discipline and diligence.

So this week has been a little bit of a reality check. If I’m honestly trying to follow God and seek Him in all that I do, it just can’t be about the number on the scale. It has to be about turning to Him, and letting Him hold me through the ups and downs.

Thanks again for all of your support. I know that I haven’t made the prayer list yet, but it is coming. I promise.

Love and blessings,

Christy