Holding on to Hope

I missed a post last week due to being home. Had I written, the news would have been as follows:

"I lost 4.6lbs today! That’s 23lbs (10% of my starting WeightWatcher’s weight) since the date I joined back in the summer. That’s also a total of 50lbs since starting to gradually attack my weight issues last fall."

Last week I was ecstatic.

This week I’m a little less so, but I’m still relatively positive about sin-slaying.

I gained a pound this week, and I’m pretty sure it’s a P.M.S. pound, which sure didn’t help the current P.M.S. situation.

I knew I would gain before I even got up. I knew it before I got to the gym. And even though I wanted to be angry and upset and give up (because the tiniest set back can make me throw my hands up into the air and quit) I got on the treadmill, and ran a mile.

That statement is a baby miracle.

I actually ran a mile in 12 minutes. I literally have never done that in my life until last week. I remember being in kindergarten and hating the running days in P.E. I just knew that I couldn’t keep up with the pack. I knew there was no use in hoping. I just couldn’t do it (or so I thought). So having the discipline to make myself run, even on the days when I just want to get back in bed and sleep and ignore life, is just so knew, and exciting.

I was talking to a friend the other day about what has changed in my weightloss journey, and my answer was “freedom.” I’m not counting WeightWatchers points legalistically, I’m not working out legalistically. I’m not worrying about anything legalistically, and for this control freak, that is another miracle.

I feel free to talk about my journey with others, which has never been the case before. I can tell people my weight, and accept compliments, and even talk openly with a few guys about the spiritual and emotional burdens that weight and food have caused in my life. I just feel free.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with hope.

Today, it has been hard to hold on to hope. Yes, I’ve made progress, but the goals seem so far away. The weight goal is far away, and this week has been rough spiritually. My lack of trust in God has been hugely apparent this week, and as I struggle to believe that He has good things for me, I’ve also noticed just how black my heart is, and how easy it is to be selfish and prideful instead of chasing after God and laying my all down at His feet.

So, back to this morning. As I ran that mile, my eyes focused on the tv screen in front of me. The TV is an Insignia, and the “g” in the name is centered and circled. Each day as I run, I look at that “G” and know that, for me, it stands for “God.” I mentally, and physically, run after God in the gym. The G keeps me focused on my real purpose in slaying my idols, and the worship music that I listen to as I run keeps me mentally at the feet of Jesus.

This morning, as I struggled to hold on to hope, this song made my heart smile.

My future hangs on this

You make preciousness from dust

Please don't stop creating me

Your blood offers the chance

To rewind to innocence

Reborn, perfect as a child

CHORUS:

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart

When sin and ugliness

Collide with redemption's kiss

Beauty awakens by romance

Always inside this mess

I have found forgiveness

Mercy as infinite as You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE:

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

...Jesus is so sweet.

As I struggled to hold onto hope, I had a visual reminder of God and His grace to look at. I also had a song for my heart to sing that reminded me of hope and second chances. Yes, I gained weight. Yes, I am sinful and my heart is adulterous. Yes, I look for hope in other places than Jesus. BUT, He wont “stop creating me.” All of the trials in my life are refining me and bringing me closer to Him. He doesn’t discipline me to be mean, He does it because He LOVES me and wants to make me look more like Him.

And He gives me COUNTLESS second chances.

Praise the Lord! He never gives up on me. He is where my hope should be. He forgives. He heals. He molds and shapes me… He makes beautiful things.

And I guess the weird part is that I’m starting to believe that I’M one of the beautiful things God has created. I’ve never felt beautiful, but as I learn to love and trust Him, I am also learning to believe truths like, I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” The King is “enthralled with [my?!] beauty.” The Lord made me, and He is refining me, and maybe, just maybe, that means I have worth and value and beauty that comes from being with and of Christ. And if all these things are true, and God has good things for me, maybe I can really hope in Him.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but the good news is that Jesus is changing me, and I can see that. EVEN ON THE HARD DAYS!

I still have a long way to go, but I am choosing to hold on to hope (in Christ and His plan for me.)

I guess I'm also learning to rest, safe and secure, in the arms of my Lord and Savior. 

Thank you, Lord, for being patient with me. Thank you for all of you many glorious blessings. I choose you. I've counted up the cost, and you are still worth it. 

~Christy