Well, I haven’t written a SUPER EXPOSING BLOG POST in a
while, so here I goes!
Christmas break exposed every ounce of my food idolatry/my
sinful self, and I’m still majorly struggling to get into any semblance of
routine after the holidays.
Over Christmas break, I ate practically everything I saw.
Miraculously, I only gained 1.2lbs. BUT, it wasn’t for lack
of trying. I ate chocolate, and cake, and ice cream, and cookies, and…. Yeah,
you get the picture.
I only walked on Christmas Eve, and I haven’t done anything
exercise-y since.
You might say, “Oh, give yourself a break! It’s just the
holiday season! You’ll get back on track!” And, while that is partially true,
I’m more worried about what this break says about my heart than I am about
reclaiming healthy habits.
The heart of the matter is, food is still an idol/addiction.
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| but, really, let's not! |
It sounds so dirty to say it… so ridiculous in a way (and so
weak) but the truth is that the second my life got uncomfortable I caved.
Of course, there are many reasons for this. At least part of
the problem was legitimately environmental. At home we have the awesome wet bar
area (covered in ridiculous shag carpet) that houses, not alcohol, but a
smorgasbord of sweets and candy. I literally walk out of my room and straight
into the bar of seduction before I can go anywhere. How am I supposed to resist
all the yummies of the world when I am in a stressful environment and a
snickers bar is the first thing I see every time I walk out of my room?!
When we were making the morning time (meaning having coffee
and breakfast by the window before everyone else was awake) Benjamin and I were
discussing the nature of the food situation at home.
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| Elphie makes the morning too, sometimes! |
I likened it to putting an
alcoholic in a room full of filled shot-glasses and telling them not to drink
anything. You can only resist for so
long before you DRINK ALL THE DRINKS! Or in my case, EAT ALL THE CANDY OF THE
WOOOOORLD!
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| p.s. this made me laugh SOOOOO hard! |
No matter what the addiction is, the environment can make or
break a person as they struggle to break free from their drug of choice.
Now, Tiffany raised a good question. She wondered where the
line is between treating me like normal (in response to my initial, “ask me if
I want to eat the chips and salsa” comment in an earlier blog) and trying to
help with my weight-loss process. In response to her practical inquiry, I will
say the following:
1 1) There is a difference between including me in
social situations that involve food, and surrounding me in an environment that
is setting me up for failure.
2 2) Admittedly, the major issue is verbiage, not the
food itself.
3 3) I’m not always sure what I expect of people
either, so if I’m bipolar about things please excuse me and know that I am a
sinful human being that gets grumpy when her feelings are hurt or her taste
buds want something her body shouldn’t have.
The best I can say for now is this:
In general, if you want to know how
to engage me lovingly in regards to eating out, give me a few choices and let
me decide where I want to go. This allows me to participate in the event by choose
a restaurant that I know can fit into my health plan.
Example: Lets go out to eat! I’m
thinking Chili’s, Wendy’s, or Chick-fil-a. Any of those sound good to you?
Please
do not say these words, EVER.
“Where can you eat?”
Maybe it is dumb, but this phrase
makes me feel like a complete and total outcast who is restricted from normal
social interaction/environments.
My smarty-pants response will, most
always, be “I CAN eat anywhere I want.” And then I will proceed to prove it to
you by going wherever you suggest and eating the unhealthiest thing on the
menu...
(Ok, so admittedly this is not a reasonable, adult reaction
to a simple phrase that was meant to be loving. The ONLY reason I am expressing
these feelings here is so that people who WANT to know how to love me well can
know the reality of my situation as I work to get to a place that is healthier.
One day I’d like to NOT turn into an angry baboon, who foams at the mouth, when
someone asks me what I “can” eat, but today isn’t that day. So sorry!)
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| Sometimes, I bite. Sorry bout that! |
Just give me a few choices and include me in the food-making
decisions and, for the most part, we will get along swimmingly.
As for environment, the going home thing is just hard. In
Macon, I don’t keep crap around, so I can’t eat it. My roommate’s food is in a
different place than mine, so that is easy. And I have a routine, so it isn’t
hard to only go into the fridge at mealtime. Being included (and not just
autonomous) in food decisions only happens once or twice a week, and if someone
wants to go somewhere that is COMPLETELY unhealthy, it isn’t every other meal,
so it is ok.
At home, I have almost no control over the food offerings,
and we eat out OFTEN. I am also just emotional and stressed because of 1) being
home 2) breaking routine 3) environmental triggers. It’s an explosive
combination, and even if everything was done right and every food sentence was
said perfectly by every member of my family, I would probably still make bad choices.
So, that brings us to the sin part of this extra long post.
I seek comfort from food instead of getting it from God.
Home was not an easy place to be for me during my childhood.
That being said, the Lord had been working in my family and we have experienced
a lot of relational healing over the past few years. During the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons
in 2012, I had NUMEROUS conversations with family members that were extremely
positive, and those conversations went a long way towards healing wounds and
building relationships with my family. I am greatly encouraged by these happenings!
Unfortunately, that doesn’t negate the fact that my unhealthy relationship with
food began as a child trying to cope with family issues by eating Doritos (by
the bag-full) in the basement.
So if I was bored, or anxious, during this break, I wondered
right over to that shag-carpeted bar and get a snickers, or two, or three. And
then I got a cookie, and a bite of cake… and an orange to balance things out.
(Good logic, ehh?)
I AM healing, but it feels like a really slow process when I
go home and slide back into everything that was normal from the 5-18-year-old
stage.
Basically, I walked into the basement on the 23rd,
and gave up until I got back to Macon on the 29th.
Also, I didn’t read my Bible much, or walk, or pray like
usual. That’s not to say that I didn’t do those things at all… I just did a lot
more eating than anything else.
The good news is that Jesus never gives up on me. He doesn’t
stop answering if my calls get fewer and far between. He doesn’t get angry if I
grab a Dr. Pepper instead of a water bottle. He just loves me, and hurts for me
(because He knows I’m giving up life for counterfeit gods.)
Yes, it is embarrassing to say that I forsake God for Dr.
Pepper. I don’t like admitting that my heart is so feeble, but the truth is
that I seek comfort. I want to be happy and healthy and self-sufficient and
live the easy life. At my core, I seek to serve myself, not God. So, like it or
not, the lie I believe right now is that Dr. Pepper will soothe my soul better
than Jesus will. Dr. Pepper and I have a long-standing relationship. Dr. Pepper
has always been my go-to guy in times of boredom, anxiety, or stress. But that
is changing, no matter how slow the process is, and I am thankful for
deliverance from the lies of my past.
What to do now:
Christmas was a reality check. I’m
not as “cured” as I thought I was, so now I have to set measurable goals and
work towards them.
Per (the new) usual, most of the
goals need to be Jesus centered and not habit centered. The point isn’t really
to change the automatic response to food, but to automatically go to Jesus for
EVERYTHING, and then let that inform how I respond to whatever situation is at
hand (food or otherwise).
This means that specific goals are
coming, but probably not until next week. I’m still mulling them about in my
head.
For RIGHT NOW:
Pray that I can get back into a
good routine. I need to get my butt back to the gym, but it just seems too
hard!!! L
Also, pray for guidance in setting
goals, so that I can seek after achievable things without becoming legalistic.
And just because this should always be our attitude….
REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS, AND AGAIN, I SAY, REJOICE!
This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and
be glad in it!
(Even if I totally fail and make ALL the wrong choices and
put everything else before God, I have to be able to come back to Christ at the
end of the day and rejoice in the lessons He is teaching me).
So, “I thank you God, for most this amazing day!”
i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~ e.e. cummings ~
Happy New Year!
~Christy
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