Fear Not

I feel like I’ve been making lots of confessions lately, and it’s probably because I’ve needed to do just that. I’ve fallen off the sin-slaying wagon, in more ways than one, and although I’m still making progress and moving forward, my resolve is not what it was in October.

Worst of all, I know that it shows.

Unfortunately, this exposure is what has been bothering me.

It would be a lot easier to say that my lack of concern about sin is what weakens my heart, but the reality is that fear of man and fear of the failure are what have me paralyzed. So, I’ve been silent for two weeks. I haven’t blogged. I haven’t even let myself think about things, primarily because I knew my resolve was non-existent, so there was no point in pretending. No point in telling lies to all of you nice folk.

Before I scare you all, let me tell you the facts. I weighed 201 lbs. last week. That is but a measly pound away from being in ONEderland. (This is what the fine ladies at Curves call weighing below 200). This is only about 15 lbs. from my lowest adult weight. A bunch of my skinny clothes are fitting (quite well, I might add). And I am at a total of 58lbs (according to last week’s WW weight) lost since fall of 2011. I’ve lost 5.4lbs in the past two weeks eating paleo. SO, I say this to keep you all from thinking I’ve thrown in the towel and eaten all the things!

I added this again. Primarily for Benjamin Beaver. ;)

What has changed is my attitude, and my gym habits, and my consciousness of food as a form of idolatry and an emotional crutch.

But mostly, I am just realizing how afraid I am, and that fear has made me pull away from things that are good… from blogging, and working out, and thinking about what I’m eating, and telling you all about the craziness that goes on inside me each week.

I’m afraid of getting to my lowest adult weight.

I’m afraid of getting to ONEderland. (and I’m afraid of even admitting that this is a big deal to me... or a need. No girl wants to say, "HEY! I weigh under 200 lbs now!").

I’m afraid of getting to my real goal weight.

I’m afraid of being thin.

I’m afraid of having ANY attention on my body.

I’m afraid of having a real (not self-induced) plateau and not being able to lose weight.

I’m afraid that this journey will continue to be numbers and weight focused.

I’m afraid that I won’t get the emotional healing part of this journey figured out.

I’m afraid that I will never be free from the burden of this particular sin struggle.

I’m afraid that I will repeat my mistakes of 2008/2009 and gain back more weight than I lost.

I’m afraid that people will be disappointed in me and stop loving me if that happens.

I’m afraid that my friends will get tired of me talking about food and they gym.

I’m afraid that they won’t love me if I continue to be half-hearted about working out.

I’m afraid of success.

I’m afraid of failure.

I’m just afraid.

So, tonight, I was reading Matthew 14.

Peter steps out onto the water and tries to walk to Jesus… you know the story, but I’ll give you the deets anyways.

Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

And that's when I realized that I’ve been staring at the wind in life. I’ve been looking at the wind and the waves… and even the imaginary storms out in the distance, and missing Jesus.

Dat ducky don't help...

My roommate is a Bible teacher, and one of her favorite illustrations to teach her students is the broom illustration.  Per usual, I don’t remember it well and I am sure I’ll mess it up, so I’ll skip to the point. If one ever tries to balance a broom with their fingertip, you can’t do it by looking at your finger, or at the broomstick. The only way to accomplish this feat is by looking up at the bristles. And, of course, the point is to associate looking up with looking up at JESUS. Living a Christian life doesn’t happen by looking at you or by looking at others, the only way to be more like Christ is by looking AT Christ.

So, as I’ve been looking around at my past and my possible future and my friends and my thoughts about myself, I’ve been dropping my broomstick in a sea of fear. I’ve been looking at the wind, and being afraid.

Of course, the other thing to remember is the freakin awesome word found in the passage above: “immediately.” When Peter called on the Lord, “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him.”

Praise Jesus for always doing the same for me.

He is faithful when I am faithless.

I can’t say I actually FEEL resolved to work out or analyze my food choices or fight all the emotions and thoughts about food and weight-loss and Jesus that are rolling around in my head. BUT, I can say that He loves me, and because He loves me and I want to look more like Him, I’m going to keep trying.

I’m still afraid of all of the things above, but I want to start fighting those fears with truth:

    I am valuable because I am a daughter of Christ, not because of my weight, actions, or feelings.

    I am loved because HE loves me, and I can love others because He first loved us.

    I CAN change my habits and get to a healthier, happier weight. I can be released and free from the     

    sins that brought me to where I am. I don’t have to repeat the same sins again in the future… I don’t

    have to give into them again because the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in ME.

All in all, I think I just got tired. Tired of walking on water, and afraid because I saw the wind. BUT JESUS. He is still here. And I’m calling out to him.

Further in Matthew 14, these words appear: “And when the men of [Gennesaret] recognized him… they brought to him all who were sick and implored him that they might only touch the fringe of his garment. And as many as touched it were made well.”

Consider me reaching. I just want the hem. I know in my head it is all that I need. It’s the heart that can’t seem to believe that. So pray for my heart. Pray that my heart believes in the goodness of a Savior who can heal with so little effort, and who truly desires to give good gifts to his precious children.

I am thankful for all of you, and pray that you know it.

~Christy