Painfully Aware

It is Wednesday, and that means blogging day! Hurray!

On paper, today wasn’t a great day. I went into my WeightWatchers meeting and, even though I’ve been working out for an hour and a half every weekday for the past two weeks, I gained 2.6 pounds.

In my past, gaining weight the week I started to work out was pretty normal.
I was just hoping it wouldn't happen this time. 

This is enough to make anyone upset; however, my entire body was also angry and aching because of my workouts. And the combination of weight gain and physical pain made me second-guess this whole sin-slaying adventure.

But only for about 2.5 seconds.

Yes, I was tired and hurting. Yes, I was angry at the scale (still am). BUT, this journey isn’t just about the physical weight. It is about the emotional weight I’ve been carrying around for so long, and the spiritual burdens that come from putting your hope in anything other than Jesus.

Which made me think for a bit.

This week, I’ve been focused mainly on the pain I’ve been feeling. EVERY MOVEMENT IS EXCRUCIATING. Even my morning latte isn’t worth drinking when I know how many lunges and crunches it will take to work it off later. But what I’ve really been aware of is the simple fact that I HATE physical pain.

I hate it. 

Avoiding physical pain in the gym has earned me a lot more pain (of a different sort) than was ever necessary. Had I continued to work out (and endure physical discomfort) in 2008, I never would have gained back the 55lbs I initially lost freshman year. But instant gratification always looks better than a little bit of hard work. And in return for a no-pain lifestyle, I have endured much emotional turmoil due to self-consciousness and a deep seeded hatred of my body. I’ve traded a little bit of physical pain, for countless moments of emotional agony.

There is also the concept of enduring pain for spiritual gain. I am comfortable with the thought of enduring hard circumstances in order to follow Christ. I am comfortable with the idea of being poor or living in a third-world country, or working with hurt, lost, and broken people. But the thought that following Christ might mean actual, physical pain isn’t something I ever really consider. It certainly isn’t something I’m comfortable with.

Sure, dying for Christ might be ok… if it is quick and relatively painless. But the idea of living daily life in physical pain because I am following Christ… never crossed my mind. And I certainly never thought that this physical pain would come from working out for Jesus.

Why is it that I am so comfortable with emotional pain, but physical pain seems unendurable?

Well, I have a couple of answers.

First of all, the enemy is real. He knows how much trouble an emotionally healthy Christian, who puts her trust in God, can be. I firmly believe that Satan wants me fat and miserable. He knows the reasons behind my eating. He knows that I turn to the pleasure and comfort of food instead of turning to God, and he wants to keep it that way. So he whispers the lies into my ears:

You can’t ever be thin (or even average size) like the other girls. You might as well stop trying.

No one would want you, even if you were thin. You might as well eat that cookie.

You aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough. Just keep hiding behind your weight. It is safer that way.

The pain isn’t worth it. It will never go away. Eat this instead. It won’t disappoint.

Eating that isn't REALLY sinful. You have to eat food to live. Please, continue to stuff your face with chocolate. 

The lies keep coming—packaged in whatever way is necessary to do the trick. And they have worked like charms for years.

Secondly, (I think this answer is a little harder to admit) I am comfortable with the pain that I know. I know how to be overweight. I know how to be a wallflower. I know how to joke about my appearance and not try too hard to look put-together. I know how to eat my way through an entire batch of cookies when I’m anxious. And the comfort of the familiar seems like an easier pain to endure than the pain of working hard in the gym and feeling the results in my tired, aching muscles.

But what does this pain mean spiritually? What does God want to teach me through my physical and emotional pain?

I read the crucifixion story today in Mark, and started to marvel at the amount of physical pain that Jesus willfully endured on the cross… all for me. I must admit I got a little convicted. I can’t imagine willfully allowing someone to nail me to a cross. Heavens, it takes every ounce of the strength that I have to do three sets of lunges, and that’s with Casey and Detchen cheering me on.

And it is worth noting that Jesus didn't care about the physical pain. What bothered him was separation from God. 

He chose ME, over pain and separation from God. 

I mean, I know working out isn’t really comparable to the crucifixion, but I’m trying to die to myself, and pursue Christ, and right now that looks like going to the gym, and eating healthy foods for sustenance, not pleasure. When I see what Christ was willing to endure for me, it makes me want to go do more lunges (well, kinda) and it makes me think differently about the pain.

I WISH I could look at the pain as a victory. A sensory trophy of sorts, but I can’t say I’ve made it that far in my journey. I’m afraid that I can’t say I’ve learned to enjoy the aching muscles.

Clearly, I am not as hardcore as this cat. 

What I can say is this:

The emotional and spiritual pain I’ve been in (for most all of my life) is far greater than the pain I’ve felt in my legs, and arms, and back, etc., this week. There is no physical pain that is worse than the emotional pain I felt during previous bouts of depression. Finally, if Christ can endure the cross for me, I can endure a lot of sweat and a tears for him. The pain is a good pain, and I won’t trade it in for Satan’s lies about instant gratification and the power of food. I’m painfully aware of the cost of following Christ. But I’ve counted up the cost. And he is worth it.

I’m still running after the prize, even though it seems 2.6 lbs more elusive.

Blessings,

Christy

Death of the Fat Pants

I wrote this bit of silliness this morning. I hope it makes you giggle!

Death of the Fat Pants

Dear pants, in which I feel so fat,

I’m done with you. Hiyah! Take that!

On days when I was feeling bloated,

You kept my hinny nicely coated

With yards of fabric, dark wash blue

But, truthfully, I hated you.

Your nametag reads a ghastly “20”

Which made me want to gorge on plenty

To soothe my aching heart from woes

Which didn’t work. Oh Lordy knows!

But now I’ve made a solid pact

To turn from you, and that’s a fact.

You felt too loose when I last wore you,

So now I think I’ll have to store you,

Until that fateful future day

When I can burn your soul away

In fire of the cleansing sort

Deserved by every single jort.

And o’er your ashes we will sing

Songs of praises in a ring

Around the fire, toasty warm

A new creature will be born.

One who loves the jeans she’s in,

But also one who runs from sin

And as God’s fire refines my soul

I’m glad to see you play your role

In taking me from old to new

And giving me an awesome view

Of the reality of lasting change

That comes when my sweet savior reigns.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Today, I looked and felt like this: 

I felt messy, and unkempt, and unattractive, and I felt like I was doing a horrible job at my apartment gig. I put about 17 hours of work (over the past two days) into creating an event. ONLY 5 PEOPLE SHOWED UP. Today wasn't my best day, and after work, I didn't want to go out. I wasn't presentable. I didn't look good enough to be around people, and I felt like a failure.

It is easy to go hang out when I look like this: 

On this day I was groomed and straightened and make-uped and feeling bright and shiny. 

After reflecting back on the day and my emotions and my unwillingness to be seen looking like a slob, I realized that I needed to write, so here I am.

First of all, I don’t think I really realized what I was doing when I hit the “publish” button on Wednesday. I sent some deep, dark secrets out into cyberspace, and didn’t quite expect the amount of feedback that I got.

Don’t get me wrong. Every response I’ve gotten has been positive, but eyes are watching, and I’m a little anxious about it. I think that is apparent in my new need to be groomed when I leave the house. I've worn some make-up and done my hair every day this week. That's not normal for me, but I'm suddenly aware that people are watching.

Just look at the gym situation from yesterday:

I have a new friend *cough (Casey S.) cough* who has graciously agreed to be my gym accountability partner and unofficial/official personal trainer. She is beautiful and wonderful and challenging yet understanding and gracious. I kinda like her.  ;)

But just knowing that a friend was in the gym at the same time as me made me panic a little on the inside.

The thirty-minute cardio session that I’d done multiple times the week before (and LOVED) seemed like torture. On other days, I’d been exhilarated by the run. I’d even taken to raising one hand and praising Jesus on the elliptical whilst listening to The Rend Collective Experiment. I didn’t care what the workers or strangers thought about me while I was running, and smiling, and singing (mostly in my heart but only because I was too out of breath to actually sing), and praising God. But put me in the gym with someone I know and I immediately get anxious.

So I ran, but I watched the clock, and I didn’t pay attention to the worship music that fed my heart the week before. And I worried about what my friend was thinking about me.

How silly I am.

I know that my self-consciousness was uncalled for, but this is what happens when I am around other people in settings that acknowledge the body over the brain. I feel weak and inferior. I worry that I can’t keep up with the pack. I want to hide my body. There is no chance in hell that I’m gonna look at my form while I do bicep curls. That might make me cry.

I say all of this because, ultimately, I am serious about what I said on Wednesday. Even though there is part of me that wants to pull the curtain back over this whole operation, I know that I need to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

P.S. These videos about vulnerability are fascinating. You should check them out.

I was reading Mark 11 and 12 today (not on accident, of course) and some key words caught my eye. There are a few references about the scribes and elders not doing things because they fear the people. Meanwhile, in chapter 12, verses 13-17, the Pharisees and Herodians are seeking to trap Jesus and they say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God.” They then go on to ask Jesus about paying taxes, and Jesus does the whole “Rend to Casear the things that are Caesar’s” deal.

This passage made me think. First of all, the scribes and Pharisees and all of the whoever—sees of the day are always concerned with what others think. The most tragic examples of this to me are of Herod and John the Baptist, and Pilate and Jesus.

Mark 6:26-27 reads, “And the king was exceedingly sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he did not want to break his word to her. And immediately the king sent an executioner with orders to bring John’s head.”

It seems that if Herod’s guests had not heard his oath, we would have considered breaking it, but he is more afraid of what the others will think of him than of doing what is right and letting John live. 

Similarly, Mark 15:12-15 reads, “And Pilate again said to them, ‘Then what shall I do with the man you call the King of the Jews?’ And they cried out again, ‘Crucify him.’ And Pilate said to them, ‘Why, What evil has he done?’ And they shouted all the more, ‘Crucify him.’ So Pilate, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas, and having scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.”

Pilate didn’t want to kill Jesus. He even tries to rid himself of the guilt of killing an innocent man, but he gives in to the people. If Pilate and Herod can kill people because they are afraid of the crowd, it scares me to think about what I might do out of fear of others.

Contrarily, even though the Pharisees and Herodians are trying to trap Jesus when they say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God,” they are really only speaking the truth.

Jesus doesn’t care about our opinions or appearances. 

He cares about God the Father, and what is good and true.

Jesus wasn’t swayed by the crowed that shouted at him and pleaded for his death. He didn’t balk when  “those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, ‘Aha! You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself, and come down from the cross!” or when they said, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.” (Mark 15:29-32)

Jesus only cried out, in agony, when he was separated from God.

So today I am thankful for the reminder that I must do all things, including this sin slaying journey, for Christ, not for others. And if I want to be more like Jesus, that means focusing on God... not worrying about who is watching me.

Also, this is, sadly, true. I don't think of others, because I am thinking about myself.
Others don't think about me, because they are thinking about themselves. Humans are silly. 

I mean, I know I asked for this. And I believe that starting this blog journey with all of you was the right thing to do. I really DO want to be open and honest about my struggles. I really DO want accountability and support. But that doesn’t mean I am good about accepting those things . Especially when those awesome helps trigger unwelcome emotions and irrational thought patterns.

So, for today, I will end with this.

Come to the gym with me if you want. 

I need to learn to be like Jesus and not care about what you wonderful people think: good or bad.

To gym buddies of days past who I’ve hurt because of my insecurities and irrational fears, I am extremely sorry. *Let’s be honest. This is a shout-out to the wonderful Meghan S. Forgive me for being a little crazy?*

I’m not at all perfect. I’m not even really rational half of the time, but I do want to be more like Christ, and I am still excited about this purifying process.

Please pray that I will be able to focus on Christ and the task at hand, and not on the people around me. While I value you all, I have to find my worth in Christ, because it comes from no other place.

Please subscribe to my blog if you want to stay updated. Also, let me know in the next few days if you want to be assigned a prayer topic.  I’m going to make an official list soon, so don't miss the opportunity to get your name on that sucker. 

All praise be to God, who loves furiously and cares for every hair on our heads (even the frizzy, unkempt ones!)

Blessings and Peace,

Christy

The Plan!

Today, my thoughts are a little jumbled...

Bonus Picture: My friends and me after my favorite treat, the sno cone!

The response to my post yesterday was pretty incredible. People told me that they identified with me, were inspired by me, and offered specific helps on my journey. While I appreciate (and plan to take people up on) these offers, I must admit they make this journey a little more real than I’d like it to be on day two.

I have support, which means I have people to disappoint. If I fail, I have a long way to fall, and I’d hate to let down all the people who are “inspired.”

That being said, I am glad to have this issue. I need to understand that my worth is in Christ, and nowhere else. If I fall, He will pick me up. If I embarrass myself or feel like I’ve disappointed my friends, He will just have to help me deal with the shame and help me keep trekking.

Thank you all for your kindness and encouragement. I am glad you are on this journey with me.

As promised, I have to publish “The Plan!”

But I don’t know it all yet. I guess I may never know the plan, because this plan has to be flexible.

In the past, I was legalistic about my food intake, whilst doing WeightWatchers. For those of you who don’t know, WeightWatchers gives every food a point value. You supply the company with some information about your weight, age, gender, etc., and they tell you how many points you may eat in a day. There are also extra points for special treats during the week. 

In the past, I never ate the extra points. I never ate the points I earned from doing activity and going to the gym. I never really let myself have a break in any way, shape, or form. But if this is going to be a lifestyle change, that has to be the first change I make.

This journey has to be about grace.

I have to accept grace from God and from my friends who are supporting me, and extend it to myself. Legalism is not part of this journey.

So, please, leave the judgment at home, ok?

If we are out to eat together, ask me if I would like to share the queso dip, or if I want a cookie, or if I want a Dr. Pepper... you get the picture. Then let me decide how many points I have, and if I want to spend them on the dip, or not.

These are two of my trigger foods, but I need to learn how to deal with, and not just avoid them. So offer them to me!

The goal isn’t to trade one idol (the instant gratification of food) in for another (legalistic control).

So, by all means, invite me places, and offer me food. Just, please, respect my “yes” or “no.”

Similarly, if we are meeting for lunch, I might bring a sack lunch into a restaurant. I know, I know… craziness! Right? In the past, I know that taking the food out of social events has been hard for EVERYONE involved. When one person doesn’t eat, everyone suddenly gets self-conscious about what they are eating. But right now, I just need for you to know that I want to hang out with YOU. Not your food. I don’t care about what is on your plate, but I must be careful with what is on mine. Ok?

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest… 

here is what I know about the plan.

• ·      It has to be based around prayer and scripture.
• ·      It has to be flexible.
• ·      It has to have an accountability system.
• ·      It has to involve the indoor, air-conditioned gym.
• ·      It will involve WeightWatchers
• ·      It will not involve legalism.

Prayer:

My wonderful roommate told me about one of her friends who is having people pray for a specific ten pounds of her weight loss. I would like to do this as well.

• ·      I weigh 219.4 lbs.
• ·      I want to weigh 135 lbs.
• ·      That is 122 lbs. total from my all time high, and 84.4 lbs. less than I weigh now.
• ·      That means I need 8 people to commit to pray for 10 lbs. each, and I person to pray for those pesky last 4.4 lbs. The last few are always the hardest to conquer! If you would like to pray for ten pounds, let me know.
• ·      I also need people to pray about topical things while I am on this journey. These people I will contact specifically and ask them to pray for things that I may not feel 100% comfortable divulging in public.

I also just need daily, hourly, minutely prayer. Nights are the hardest. Social settings can be torture. If anyone wants to be an on-call accountability texter, let me know.

I am committing to pray daily and intentionally about my struggle, I will also read my Bible daily and try to replace the lies I tell myself with Biblical truths. I will also fast on Mondays during lunch with the wonderful people at Fastpray

This blog is devoted “to fast and pray on Mondays during lunch for 1) men to come to know the Lord and to lead relationships, 2) for women to see where they need to change and to change, and 3) for the gift of marriage to be given to those who desire it.”

My struggle with my body relates to all three of the things this group prays for, and so I want to join them. If anyone wishes to do the same, let me know and we can support each other.

I am also committing to stop and pray when anxiety, or stress, or hurt, or fear, or whatever else sets into my heart, and Starbucks looks more promising than Jesus.

My battle isn’t with food. It is spiritual. I’ve conquered food before. Remember? 

But my adulterous heart is another matter. 

Please partner with me in prayer as I seek Jesus in this area of my life.

I want to want him more than anything else. Unfortunately, that is just not my default mode.

Flexibility:

I’ll say it again. This journey is about Grace. If I don’t get to 135 lbs., but 145 is looking and feeling great, that is ok. If I fall off the bandwagon and disappear for a few weeks, that has to be ok too. I’m slaying sin, here, and failure has to be ok at some point. The trick will be learning to get back on the horse and accept Grace. I don’t know how to do this, so perhaps this is an area to specifically pray for. Pray that I will learn to accept God’s love for me and accept the grace He has given. Pray that I will be as kind to myself as I can be to others in similar situations.

Accountability:

Right now, I am seeing this happening on a few different levels.

1.     This blog will keep me accountable and vulnerable in relationships as a whole. I will post at least one update every week, on Wednesday. This is the day I will weigh in, and I will report that weight along with any important happenings of the Week.

a.     Other occasional blog posts may appear as needed.

b.     Topical posts will be a part of the first few weeks of this process as I continue to purge my heart in attempts to be vulnerable and authentic.

2.     The friends that I ask to pray about specific, topical issues in my life will also be charged with keeping me accountable in regards to that specific issue.

3.     I am asking a handful of close friends in Macon to sit down with me weekly and make me TALK about my feelings. Writing is easier than talking, but I need to do both.

WeightWatchers and Gym:

I will weigh in ONLY once a week, on Wednesday. I am toying with the idea of doing WeightWatchers online and weighing in at home, but I will track my points daily and report my weight once a week via blog.

The gym will be a 5 or 6 day a week venture. I will engage in the following activities at the gym:

• Running on the elliptical
• Weight training (on a rotating schedule = not a total body every other day type of thing).
• Running on the treadmill in preparation for a 5k in 2013.
• More specifics to come.

One day, I'll be as excited about running as #28 is. Maybe. ;)

Other:

I don't know how well I would do with people going to the gym with me. That probably would not be a help. But I would love to do hiking, or walking, or geocaching on the weekends with people. If this interest you, let's set something up pronto. 

Your "to do" list:

• Email or call me or text me if you are interested in having a specific part in my journey. 
• harris_christy1@columbusstate.edu
• christyharris@trinitylifechurchga.com
• not going to put my number on here, but you can email me if you want it. 
• Pray continually
• Let me know if you are struggling with something that I am struggling with. I'd love to start a prayer list for people who are dealing with some of the same issues. I think Wednesdays will be my set day for this (when I want to be obsessed with my number on the scale, it will be better for me to pray for all of you). I'd love to hear what you are struggling with, so I know how to pray for you. 
• Subscribe to my blog so that you know what's up. 

Thanks again for going on this journey with me. I appreciate you all, and I pray that this will be a meaningful experience for all of us as we seek to slay a little of the sin in the world. 

Love and blessings, 

Christy