Today, I looked and felt like this:
I felt messy, and unkempt, and unattractive, and I felt like I was doing a horrible job at my apartment gig. I put about 17 hours of work (over the past two days) into creating an event. ONLY 5 PEOPLE SHOWED UP. Today wasn't my best day, and after work, I didn't want to go out. I wasn't presentable. I didn't look good enough to be around people, and I felt like a failure.
It is easy to go hang out when I look like this:
On this day I was groomed and straightened and make-uped and feeling bright and shiny.
After reflecting back on the day and my emotions and my unwillingness to be seen looking like a slob, I realized that I needed to write, so here I am.
First of all, I don’t think I really realized what I was doing when I hit the
“publish” button on Wednesday. I sent some deep, dark secrets out into
cyberspace, and didn’t quite expect the amount of feedback that I got.
Don’t get me wrong. Every response I’ve gotten has been
positive, but eyes are watching, and I’m a little anxious about it. I think that is apparent in my new need to be groomed when I leave the house. I've worn some make-up and done my hair every day this week. That's not normal for me, but I'm suddenly aware that people are watching.
Just look at the gym situation from yesterday:
I have a new friend *cough (Casey S.)
cough* who has graciously agreed to be my gym accountability partner and
unofficial/official personal trainer. She is beautiful and wonderful and
challenging yet understanding and gracious. I kinda like her. ;)
But just knowing that a friend was in the gym at the same time
as me made me panic a little on the inside.
The thirty-minute cardio session that I’d done multiple
times the week before (and LOVED) seemed like torture. On other days, I’d been
exhilarated by the run. I’d even taken to raising one hand and praising Jesus
on the elliptical whilst listening to The Rend Collective Experiment. I didn’t
care what the workers or strangers thought about me while I was running, and
smiling, and singing (mostly in my heart but only because I was too out of
breath to actually sing), and praising God. But put me in the gym with someone
I know and I immediately get anxious.
So I ran, but I watched the clock, and I didn’t pay
attention to the worship music that fed my heart the week before. And I worried
about what my friend was thinking about me.
How silly I am.
I know that my self-consciousness was uncalled for, but this
is what happens when I am around other people in settings that acknowledge the
body over the brain. I feel weak and inferior. I worry that I can’t keep up with
the pack. I want to hide my body. There is no chance in hell that I’m gonna
look at my form while I do bicep curls. That might make me cry.
I say all of this because, ultimately, I am serious about
what I said on Wednesday. Even though there is part of me that wants to pull
the curtain back over this whole operation, I know that I need to be open,
honest, and vulnerable.
P.S. These videos about vulnerability are fascinating. You should check them out.
I was reading Mark 11 and 12 today (not on accident, of
course) and some key words caught my eye. There are a few references about the
scribes and elders not doing things because they fear the people. Meanwhile, in chapter 12,
verses 13-17, the Pharisees and Herodians are seeking to trap Jesus and they
say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s
opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of
God.” They then go on to ask Jesus about paying taxes, and Jesus does the whole
“Rend to Casear the things that are Caesar’s” deal.
This passage made me think. First of all, the scribes and
Pharisees and all of the whoever—sees of the day are always concerned with
what others think. The most tragic examples of this to me are of Herod and John
the Baptist, and Pilate and Jesus.
Mark 6:26-27 reads, “And the king was exceedingly sorry, but
because of his oaths and his guests he did not want to break his word to her.
And immediately the king sent an executioner with orders to bring John’s head.”
It seems that if Herod’s guests had not heard his oath, we
would have considered breaking it, but he is more afraid of what the others will think of him than of doing what is right and letting John live.
Similarly, Mark 15:12-15 reads, “And Pilate again said to
them, ‘Then what shall I do with the man you call the King of the Jews?’ And
they cried out again, ‘Crucify him.’ And Pilate said to them, ‘Why, What evil
has he done?’ And they shouted all the more, ‘Crucify him.’ So Pilate, wishing
to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas, and having scourged Jesus, he
delivered him to be crucified.”
Pilate didn’t want to kill Jesus. He even tries to rid
himself of the guilt of killing an innocent man, but he gives in to the people. If Pilate and Herod can
kill people because they are afraid of the crowd, it scares me to think about
what I might do out of fear of others.
Contrarily, even though the Pharisees and Herodians are trying to trap
Jesus when they say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about
anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the
way of God,” they are really only speaking the truth.
Jesus doesn’t care about our opinions or appearances.
He
cares about God the Father, and what is good and true.
Jesus wasn’t swayed by the crowed that shouted at him and
pleaded for his death. He didn’t balk when
“those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, ‘Aha!
You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself,
and come down from the cross!” or when they said, “He saved others; he cannot
save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross
that we may see and believe.” (Mark 15:29-32)
Jesus only cried out, in agony, when he was separated from
God.
So today I am thankful for the reminder that I must do all things, including this sin slaying journey, for Christ, not for others. And if I want to be more like Jesus, that means
focusing on God... not worrying about who is watching me.
 |
| Also, this is, sadly, true. I don't think of others, because I am thinking about myself. Others don't think about me, because they are thinking about themselves. Humans are silly. |
I mean, I know I asked for this. And I believe that starting
this blog journey with all of you was the right thing to do. I really DO want
to be open and honest about my struggles. I really DO want accountability and
support. But that doesn’t mean I am good about accepting those things .
Especially when those awesome helps trigger unwelcome emotions and irrational
thought patterns.
So, for today, I will end with this.
Come to the gym with me if you want.
I need to learn to be
like Jesus and not care about what you wonderful people think: good or bad.
To gym buddies of days past who I’ve hurt because of my
insecurities and irrational fears, I am extremely sorry. *Let’s be honest. This
is a shout-out to the wonderful Meghan S. Forgive me for being a little crazy?*
I’m not at all perfect. I’m not even really rational half of
the time, but I do want to be more like Christ, and I am still excited about
this purifying process.
Please pray that I will be able to focus on Christ and the
task at hand, and not on the people around me. While I value you all, I have to
find my worth in Christ, because it comes from no other place.
Please subscribe to my blog if you want to stay updated.
Also, let me know in the next few days if you want to be assigned a prayer
topic. I’m going to make an official
list soon, so don't miss the opportunity to get your name on that sucker.
All praise be to God, who loves furiously and cares for
every hair on our heads (even the frizzy, unkempt ones!)
Blessings and Peace,
Christy
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