Stepping into the Light: A Pictorial Confession

For the sake of vulnerability, accountability, authenticity (and everything good) this journey via blog begins now, at 10:51am, on Wednesday morning, October 24, 2012.

But what got me to today started a long time ago, so I'll start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

For as long as I can remember, food has been my drug of choice. No one really talks about the legitimate spiritual battle behind devil's food cake, but I'm telling you that there is one.

I remember being four in ballet class, and being bigger than the other girls. I specifically remember not being able to fit into a leotard that I desperately wanted, and feeling fat for the first time. Being overly analytical and super sensitive, the seeds of brokenness that have defined my life started then. I was a little ballerina, who knew she was different, in a bad way.

Now, looking back at some of these really early pictures, I realize that I was not even heavy, really. I was a child. But I felt like an oaf, and Satan started whispering that into my ear in ballet class at age four. 

I was certainly pudgy in elementary and middle school. Not obese, per say, but big. I was painfully aware of my double chins and crooked teeth, so silly faces in pictures helped me laugh it all away. 

 Here is my Easter pic the year I had a black eye. Notice my incredible sense of style!

 Double chin action, corduroy jumper, cool bow, and turtleneck. 

Ok, so I wasn't that bad, but in my mind I was hideous, and huge.

After 5th grade, I started my first diet. I lost about 15 pounds and felt like the entire world was watching every bite of food that entered my mouth. People started to notice that I'd lost weight and comment on how good I looked, which embarrassed the CRAP out of me. I didn't know how to take the attention on my body, and so I stopped trying, gained back the weight (and then some) and lost all control of my eating. 

Somewhere in 6th grade, I started binge eating to soothe my emotions, and that is what I'm really here to talk about. My goal is not just to lose weight. Of course, I want for that to happen, but the real issue is my emotional relationship to food. It is one of my favorite addictions/idols. 

I vividly remember a time in my middle school life (around the time that this picture was taken)

when I binged every day after school. I would come in, grab the WOW! (diet) Doritos, or a bag of popcorn, and start eating. I'd eat all the way up to dinner, and sneak things afterwards. I ate in secret, in the basement. I was bored, or anxious, or sad, or lonely... whatever I felt about the day, or the coming day... I ate those feelings. And that has never really stopped. 

I should have been going to God, but instead I went to food. And I'm afraid that I'm still not sure how to stop that pattern in my life. After all, it's been 13 years in the making. 

To catch up to now though, I'll give a little more of my background story. 

I steadily gained weight during high school and by freshmen year of college I weighed a (then all-time high) of 234lbs. 

 Nats competition freshman year. I hate how round my face is. 

Met competition with Xi. I never took this coat off because I thought it made me look thinner. 

This night was the turning point. I was all dolled up and I still felt fat and embarrassed of my weight. 

So I decided to do something about it. I joined WeightWatchers and over the course of about 5 months I lost 55 lbs. I went from a size 22 to a size 12/14, and I felt good about the way I looked. 

 At "Home for the Holidays" with high school friends. 

I loved my thinner face. It wasn't round, it was an actual oval!

But on the inside I was still broken. So I gained all the weight back, and then some. 

My emotions are so tied into food and body image that it is scary. 

I always thought that losing weight would solve all my problems, but when I was skinny and still an emotional wreck, I gave up. I gave in, and started eating my feelings again. Last year, I got to my REAL all-time high of 257lbs, and here are some of the most embarrassing pictures of my at my highest weight: 

 "If I make a silly face it is ok to look stupid and fat," says my irrational mind. 

 It is totally a shame that all I can see in this picture is my jacket, which wouldn't button at the time. 

Again, I wish I was focussed on my nephew instead of my stomach and double chins. 

Thankfully, some of the ladies at my church went through Made to Crave in the spring of 2011. This book simply states that we are made to crave God, and it expertly walks through the mindset of making food your drug/idol instead of taking all of your cares to Him. 

It seems like such a simple idea, but this book made it click like never before, and I began to realize WHEN I was filling my God-shaped hole with food. It didn't stick immediately, but around November of last year my mindset about food and health started to change. With just baby steps here or there, I've lost a bit of weight over the past year, but consistency has not been a part of the process, and now I want to systematically kill the sin in my life in regards to this issue. 

The LIES I tell myself:

I am ugly and undesirable and unloveable. 

Losing the weight will fix my problems. 

No guy could possibly love me at this weight. 

When I lose the weight I will get a guy. 

I can earn love. 

I can manipulate people into loving me. 

Being fat is better than being thin, because the weight is a comfortable barrier between people and me--it is safer this way. 

I don't need people. 

I don't care about the way I look. 

Of course, I know that the weight, and even the emotional things, are only symptoms of the real problem, which is a lack of dependance on God. I don't trust him, so I don't give him my everything. The walls and lies extend to him too.

The LIES I believe about God:

God doesn't have my best interest in mind. 

God isn't good. 

God isn't loving. 

God may be good and loving, but He can't love ME.

God doesn't give good gifts. 

God doesn't have a plan for me. 

I can't trust. I can't trust. I can't trust. 

I can't rest. I can't rest. I can't rest.

But no more. 

Last week started the intentional journey for me. I started going to planet fitness, and telling some friends about my struggle. Today I went to WeightWatchers and got a starting weight for my new adventure in sin slaying. I weighed 219.4lbs, which is 37.6 lbs less than this time last year. That difference is due to an awareness of the issue, but I know that being intentional and transparent about my struggles will make all the difference in the world. 

So that is what I am going to do. I am going to fight this battle and demolish one of the drugs/idols in my life that is keeping me from Christ. 

And as I type these words, I'm panicking a little. 

What if I set out to do this and fail? What if I make a huge fool of myself? What if people start treating me differently and trying to control what I eat? What if. What if. What if. 

But I have to do this. It isn't about a number on the scale. It is about learning to die to myself and pursue Christ at all costs. Even if that means running a 5k. 1st world problem or not, this is a struggle for me, and I am being as brave as I can possibly be by admitting it to you, and asking for support. 

Tomorrow, I will post something more concrete, like a loose plan, and a specific requests for prayer and accountability. But for now, thanks for letting me just be honest. I'm stepping into the light, and as hard as it is, I know there will be rewards for my obedience in following Christ.

With trembling fingers and a fearful, yet excited, heart, 

Christy