WeightWatchers Moment to Ponder

Yesterday's blog... no pictures because life just doesn't want the to be here. 

WeightWatchers was kinda great today. One of the ladies, we shall call her “J”, started a conversation that really encouraged me, and made me rethink some things.

What had happened was this: our leader asked if we believed that we could lose weight when we first began doing WeightWatchers. Some of my fabulous friends replied that they did believe in themselves. They knew they could lose the weight, because they had a support group and they were resolved to do whatever it took to get healthy. They had the ingredients for success, so why doubt something that is totally feasible?

And then, Mrs. J decided to elaborate. She said that when she started WeightWatchers she realized she was a foodaholic. She has an addiction to food. When she admitted that to herself and started to view food like a drug, coming to meetings was a necessity. She said something eloquent, which I can’t remember, about how food was her drug and, coming to WeightWatchers was the equivalent of going to AA, and wearing her nametag every week was the equivalent of standing up and saying “hi, my name is J and I have a problem…”

And for the first time in a WeightWatchers meeting I felt like the ladies around me were addressing the REAL issues that most of us struggle with.

I’ve been upset with WeightWatchers for a while because they seem to be very actions focused. They tell you how to change what you do, but (in my opinion) don’t talk enough about the emotional reasons why we turn to food for comfort.  

But, there we were, twenty-ish ladies (and one man) talking about how we felt powerless to say no to food and to control ourselves in certain situations. And it felt good. It was one of the only times that I felt like the ladies at this meeting really GOT me.

And that really got my wheels turning.

When I began WeightWatchers for the first time in 2007, I did not believe in myself. I didn’t really think I could lose the weight. I was a skeptic, for sure. I was just so depressed and disgusted with myself that I was willing to try it. So I did, and I lost 55lbs.

You know the story by now though. I gained all that weight back, and then some, because being thin didn’t solve my emotional or spiritual issues, so I wound up depressed again… which meant I went right back to the food. All the food (but I won’t post the “eat all the things!” picture again…. Even though I kinda want to.)

So fast forward five years, and you see me in 2012, joining WeightWatchers again… skeptical, AGAIN. But, this time, my skepticism was different. I believed I could do the things necessary to succeed numerically. I knew how to work out and eat well and count points and journal and do all the things that equate to weight loss. But what I didn’t believe (and still greatly struggle to believe) is that I can keep the weight off and be free from the emotional and spiritual bondage that makes me turn to food as a drug.

That’s what’s so scary. I KNOW it is a drug, but I can’t literally stop eating, like an alcoholic can stop drinking. I need food to survive. So, I can’t always remove myself from situations that trigger my desire to eat my pain or stress or whatever emotion is controlling me. I can’t stop hanging out with friends when they want to go out to eat, and I am not strong enough that day to say no to the fried chicken, or fried cheese, or HECK, they even make FRIED GREEN BEANS… and I LIKE them.

So, I’m afraid of backsliding. I’m afraid I’ll never be free. And, in that sense, I did not believe that I would be successful on WeightWatchers when I signed up last summer. I was just hoping to get to some weight that was more reasonable, so I didn’t feel like Jabba the Hut.

And here I am. About halfway to my goal… still wondering if I have what it takes to make it. Still unsure of what my friends felt certain about. They are right, of course. If you are baking a cake, and you have all the right ingredients (and use them all properly) you will pull a cake out of the oven after a little bit of cooking time. With weight loss, if you have all the right ingredients and you use them all properly, you WILL lose weight. So why don’t I believe this about myself? Why is there always a little part of me that feels like I can’t/won’t succeed? Like I’ll never be free?

Freedom.

It’s my word for 2013.

Last year my word was “desire,” and the Lord taught me so much about that word and what it means practically in my life. This year, I know that I am supposed to be learning about freedom. Specifically, the freedom that comes from accepting GRACE!

So, I want to dare to believe that I can be free from these spiritual and emotional burdens, which manifest themselves physically. I want to be free from eating my anxieties and fears about the future. I want to be free from eating my self-consciousness, and my boredom, and my anger, and my loneliness, and my pain. I want to know that I’m done with the majority of this battle when I look in the mirror at my goal weight and KNOW that the outside is a reflection of spiritual health on the inside.

I don’t know that food will ever be easy for me. Like an alcoholic who relapses with one sip of wine, give me one taste of sugary goodness at an inopportune time and I’ll go back to eating all the things!

Ok… couldn’t resist the picture. Last time. I promise!

But (as my wise and lovely roommate said the other day) growing in Christ means repenting more quickly. With food, that looks like falling off the wagon for a few days instead of two weeks. And eventually just for one day, or one meal, etc. The time between recognizing sin and repenting of it should be shorter as I learn to follow Jesus. And if this is the case, there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to keep the weight off and be free from all the burdens, literally and figuratively, of a lifetime of food addiction.

And mostly I know this because of Philippians 1:6:

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Jesus will finish the work he began in me. I’m claiming that as my #1 truth, especially in light of my motivational, and belief issues.

No snappy ending for this post… I’ve been trying to finish it all day long and keep getting distracted… so this is it. Jesus will help me finish this race. That is true. And it is all I need to know! 

Fear Not

I feel like I’ve been making lots of confessions lately, and it’s probably because I’ve needed to do just that. I’ve fallen off the sin-slaying wagon, in more ways than one, and although I’m still making progress and moving forward, my resolve is not what it was in October.

Worst of all, I know that it shows.

Unfortunately, this exposure is what has been bothering me.

It would be a lot easier to say that my lack of concern about sin is what weakens my heart, but the reality is that fear of man and fear of the failure are what have me paralyzed. So, I’ve been silent for two weeks. I haven’t blogged. I haven’t even let myself think about things, primarily because I knew my resolve was non-existent, so there was no point in pretending. No point in telling lies to all of you nice folk.

Before I scare you all, let me tell you the facts. I weighed 201 lbs. last week. That is but a measly pound away from being in ONEderland. (This is what the fine ladies at Curves call weighing below 200). This is only about 15 lbs. from my lowest adult weight. A bunch of my skinny clothes are fitting (quite well, I might add). And I am at a total of 58lbs (according to last week’s WW weight) lost since fall of 2011. I’ve lost 5.4lbs in the past two weeks eating paleo. SO, I say this to keep you all from thinking I’ve thrown in the towel and eaten all the things!

I added this again. Primarily for Benjamin Beaver. ;)

What has changed is my attitude, and my gym habits, and my consciousness of food as a form of idolatry and an emotional crutch.

But mostly, I am just realizing how afraid I am, and that fear has made me pull away from things that are good… from blogging, and working out, and thinking about what I’m eating, and telling you all about the craziness that goes on inside me each week.

I’m afraid of getting to my lowest adult weight.

I’m afraid of getting to ONEderland. (and I’m afraid of even admitting that this is a big deal to me... or a need. No girl wants to say, "HEY! I weigh under 200 lbs now!").

I’m afraid of getting to my real goal weight.

I’m afraid of being thin.

I’m afraid of having ANY attention on my body.

I’m afraid of having a real (not self-induced) plateau and not being able to lose weight.

I’m afraid that this journey will continue to be numbers and weight focused.

I’m afraid that I won’t get the emotional healing part of this journey figured out.

I’m afraid that I will never be free from the burden of this particular sin struggle.

I’m afraid that I will repeat my mistakes of 2008/2009 and gain back more weight than I lost.

I’m afraid that people will be disappointed in me and stop loving me if that happens.

I’m afraid that my friends will get tired of me talking about food and they gym.

I’m afraid that they won’t love me if I continue to be half-hearted about working out.

I’m afraid of success.

I’m afraid of failure.

I’m just afraid.

So, tonight, I was reading Matthew 14.

Peter steps out onto the water and tries to walk to Jesus… you know the story, but I’ll give you the deets anyways.

Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

And that's when I realized that I’ve been staring at the wind in life. I’ve been looking at the wind and the waves… and even the imaginary storms out in the distance, and missing Jesus.

Dat ducky don't help...

My roommate is a Bible teacher, and one of her favorite illustrations to teach her students is the broom illustration.  Per usual, I don’t remember it well and I am sure I’ll mess it up, so I’ll skip to the point. If one ever tries to balance a broom with their fingertip, you can’t do it by looking at your finger, or at the broomstick. The only way to accomplish this feat is by looking up at the bristles. And, of course, the point is to associate looking up with looking up at JESUS. Living a Christian life doesn’t happen by looking at you or by looking at others, the only way to be more like Christ is by looking AT Christ.

So, as I’ve been looking around at my past and my possible future and my friends and my thoughts about myself, I’ve been dropping my broomstick in a sea of fear. I’ve been looking at the wind, and being afraid.

Of course, the other thing to remember is the freakin awesome word found in the passage above: “immediately.” When Peter called on the Lord, “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him.”

Praise Jesus for always doing the same for me.

He is faithful when I am faithless.

I can’t say I actually FEEL resolved to work out or analyze my food choices or fight all the emotions and thoughts about food and weight-loss and Jesus that are rolling around in my head. BUT, I can say that He loves me, and because He loves me and I want to look more like Him, I’m going to keep trying.

I’m still afraid of all of the things above, but I want to start fighting those fears with truth:

    I am valuable because I am a daughter of Christ, not because of my weight, actions, or feelings.

    I am loved because HE loves me, and I can love others because He first loved us.

    I CAN change my habits and get to a healthier, happier weight. I can be released and free from the     

    sins that brought me to where I am. I don’t have to repeat the same sins again in the future… I don’t

    have to give into them again because the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in ME.

All in all, I think I just got tired. Tired of walking on water, and afraid because I saw the wind. BUT JESUS. He is still here. And I’m calling out to him.

Further in Matthew 14, these words appear: “And when the men of [Gennesaret] recognized him… they brought to him all who were sick and implored him that they might only touch the fringe of his garment. And as many as touched it were made well.”

Consider me reaching. I just want the hem. I know in my head it is all that I need. It’s the heart that can’t seem to believe that. So pray for my heart. Pray that my heart believes in the goodness of a Savior who can heal with so little effort, and who truly desires to give good gifts to his precious children.

I am thankful for all of you, and pray that you know it.

~Christy 

Coming Clean... After Holiday Confession

Well, I haven’t written a SUPER EXPOSING BLOG POST in a while, so here I goes!

Christmas break exposed every ounce of my food idolatry/my sinful self, and I’m still majorly struggling to get into any semblance of routine after the holidays.

Over Christmas break, I ate practically everything I saw.

Miraculously, I only gained 1.2lbs. BUT, it wasn’t for lack of trying. I ate chocolate, and cake, and ice cream, and cookies, and…. Yeah, you get the picture.

I only walked on Christmas Eve, and I haven’t done anything exercise-y since.

You might say, “Oh, give yourself a break! It’s just the holiday season! You’ll get back on track!” And, while that is partially true, I’m more worried about what this break says about my heart than I am about reclaiming healthy habits.

The heart of the matter is, food is still an idol/addiction.

but, really, let's not!

It sounds so dirty to say it… so ridiculous in a way (and so weak) but the truth is that the second my life got uncomfortable I caved.

Of course, there are many reasons for this. At least part of the problem was legitimately environmental. At home we have the awesome wet bar area (covered in ridiculous shag carpet) that houses, not alcohol, but a smorgasbord of sweets and candy. I literally walk out of my room and straight into the bar of seduction before I can go anywhere. How am I supposed to resist all the yummies of the world when I am in a stressful environment and a snickers bar is the first thing I see every time I walk out of my room?!

When we were making the morning time (meaning having coffee and breakfast by the window before everyone else was awake) Benjamin and I were discussing the nature of the food situation at home. 

Elphie makes the morning too, sometimes!

I likened it to putting an alcoholic in a room full of filled shot-glasses and telling them not to drink anything.  You can only resist for so long before you DRINK ALL THE DRINKS! Or in my case, EAT ALL THE CANDY OF THE WOOOOORLD!

p.s. this made me laugh SOOOOO hard! 

No matter what the addiction is, the environment can make or break a person as they struggle to break free from their drug of choice.

Now, Tiffany raised a good question. She wondered where the line is between treating me like normal (in response to my initial, “ask me if I want to eat the chips and salsa” comment in an earlier blog) and trying to help with my weight-loss process. In response to her practical inquiry, I will say the following:

1   1) There is a difference between including me in social situations that involve food, and surrounding me in an environment that is setting me up for failure.

2   2) Admittedly, the major issue is verbiage, not the food itself.

3   3) I’m not always sure what I expect of people either, so if I’m bipolar about things please excuse me and know that I am a sinful human being that gets grumpy when her feelings are hurt or her taste buds want something her body shouldn’t have.

The best I can say for now is this:

In general, if you want to know how to engage me lovingly in regards to eating out, give me a few choices and let me decide where I want to go. This allows me to participate in the event by choose a restaurant that I know can fit into my health plan.

Example: Lets go out to eat! I’m thinking Chili’s, Wendy’s, or Chick-fil-a. Any of those sound good to you?

Please do not say these words, EVER.

“Where can you eat?”

Maybe it is dumb, but this phrase makes me feel like a complete and total outcast who is restricted from normal social interaction/environments.

My smarty-pants response will, most always, be “I CAN eat anywhere I want.” And then I will proceed to prove it to you by going wherever you suggest and eating the unhealthiest thing on the menu...

(Ok, so admittedly this is not a reasonable, adult reaction to a simple phrase that was meant to be loving. The ONLY reason I am expressing these feelings here is so that people who WANT to know how to love me well can know the reality of my situation as I work to get to a place that is healthier. One day I’d like to NOT turn into an angry baboon, who foams at the mouth, when someone asks me what I “can” eat, but today isn’t that day. So sorry!)

Sometimes, I bite. Sorry bout that!

Just give me a few choices and include me in the food-making decisions and, for the most part, we will get along swimmingly.

As for environment, the going home thing is just hard. In Macon, I don’t keep crap around, so I can’t eat it. My roommate’s food is in a different place than mine, so that is easy. And I have a routine, so it isn’t hard to only go into the fridge at mealtime. Being included (and not just autonomous) in food decisions only happens once or twice a week, and if someone wants to go somewhere that is COMPLETELY unhealthy, it isn’t every other meal, so it is ok.

At home, I have almost no control over the food offerings, and we eat out OFTEN. I am also just emotional and stressed because of 1) being home 2) breaking routine 3) environmental triggers. It’s an explosive combination, and even if everything was done right and every food sentence was said perfectly by every member of my family, I would probably still make bad choices.

So, that brings us to the sin part of this extra long post.

I seek comfort from food instead of getting it from God.

Home was not an easy place to be for me during my childhood. That being said, the Lord had been working in my family and we have experienced a lot of relational healing over the past few years.  During the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons in 2012, I had NUMEROUS conversations with family members that were extremely positive, and those conversations went a long way towards healing wounds and building relationships with my family. I am greatly encouraged by these happenings! Unfortunately, that doesn’t negate the fact that my unhealthy relationship with food began as a child trying to cope with family issues by eating Doritos (by the bag-full) in the basement.

So if I was bored, or anxious, during this break, I wondered right over to that shag-carpeted bar and get a snickers, or two, or three. And then I got a cookie, and a bite of cake… and an orange to balance things out. (Good logic, ehh?)

I AM healing, but it feels like a really slow process when I go home and slide back into everything that was normal from the 5-18-year-old stage.

Basically, I walked into the basement on the 23^rd, and gave up until I got back to Macon on the 29^th.

Also, I didn’t read my Bible much, or walk, or pray like usual. That’s not to say that I didn’t do those things at all… I just did a lot more eating than anything else.

The good news is that Jesus never gives up on me. He doesn’t stop answering if my calls get fewer and far between. He doesn’t get angry if I grab a Dr. Pepper instead of a water bottle. He just loves me, and hurts for me (because He knows I’m giving up life for counterfeit gods.)

Yes, it is embarrassing to say that I forsake God for Dr. Pepper. I don’t like admitting that my heart is so feeble, but the truth is that I seek comfort. I want to be happy and healthy and self-sufficient and live the easy life. At my core, I seek to serve myself, not God. So, like it or not, the lie I believe right now is that Dr. Pepper will soothe my soul better than Jesus will. Dr. Pepper and I have a long-standing relationship. Dr. Pepper has always been my go-to guy in times of boredom, anxiety, or stress. But that is changing, no matter how slow the process is, and I am thankful for deliverance from the lies of my past.

What to do now:

Christmas was a reality check. I’m not as “cured” as I thought I was, so now I have to set measurable goals and work towards them.

Per (the new) usual, most of the goals need to be Jesus centered and not habit centered. The point isn’t really to change the automatic response to food, but to automatically go to Jesus for EVERYTHING, and then let that inform how I respond to whatever situation is at hand (food or otherwise).

This means that specific goals are coming, but probably not until next week. I’m still mulling them about in my head.

For RIGHT NOW:

           

Pray that I can get back into a good routine. I need to get my butt back to the gym, but it just seems too hard!!! L

Also, pray for guidance in setting goals, so that I can seek after achievable things without becoming legalistic.

And just because this should always be our attitude….

REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS, AND AGAIN, I SAY, REJOICE!

This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!

(Even if I totally fail and make ALL the wrong choices and put everything else before God, I have to be able to come back to Christ at the end of the day and rejoice in the lessons He is teaching me).

So, “I thank you God, for most this amazing day!”

i thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any-lifted from the no

of all nothing-human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~ e.e. cummings ~

Happy New Year!

            ~Christy