Yesterday's blog... no pictures because life just doesn't want the to be here.
WeightWatchers was kinda great today. One of the ladies, we
shall call her “J”, started a conversation that really encouraged me, and made
me rethink some things.
What had happened was this: our leader asked if we believed
that we could lose weight when we first began doing WeightWatchers. Some of my
fabulous friends replied that they did believe in themselves. They knew they
could lose the weight, because they had a support group and they were resolved
to do whatever it took to get healthy. They had the ingredients for success, so
why doubt something that is totally feasible?
And then, Mrs. J decided to elaborate. She said that when
she started WeightWatchers she realized she was a foodaholic. She has an
addiction to food. When she admitted that to herself and started to view food
like a drug, coming to meetings was a necessity. She said something eloquent,
which I can’t remember, about how food was her drug and, coming to
WeightWatchers was the equivalent of going to AA, and wearing her nametag every
week was the equivalent of standing up and saying “hi, my name is J and I have
a problem…”
And for the first time in a WeightWatchers meeting I felt
like the ladies around me were addressing the REAL issues that most of us
struggle with.
I’ve been upset with WeightWatchers for a while because they
seem to be very actions focused. They tell you how to change what you do, but
(in my opinion) don’t talk enough about the emotional reasons why we turn to
food for comfort.
But, there we were, twenty-ish ladies (and one man) talking
about how we felt powerless to say no to food and to control ourselves in
certain situations. And it felt good. It was one of the only times that I felt
like the ladies at this meeting really GOT me.
And that really got my wheels turning.
When I began WeightWatchers for the first time in 2007, I
did not believe in myself. I didn’t really think I could lose the weight. I was
a skeptic, for sure. I was just so depressed and disgusted with myself that I
was willing to try it. So I did, and I lost 55lbs.
You know the story by now though. I gained all that weight
back, and then some, because being thin didn’t solve my emotional or spiritual
issues, so I wound up depressed again… which meant I went right back to the
food. All the food (but I won’t post the “eat all the things!” picture again….
Even though I kinda want to.)
So fast forward five years, and you see me in 2012, joining
WeightWatchers again… skeptical, AGAIN. But, this time, my skepticism was
different. I believed I could do the things necessary to succeed numerically. I
knew how to work out and eat well and count points and journal and do all the
things that equate to weight loss. But what I didn’t believe (and still greatly
struggle to believe) is that I can keep the weight off and be free from the
emotional and spiritual bondage that makes me turn to food as a drug.
That’s what’s so scary. I KNOW it is a drug, but I can’t literally
stop eating, like an alcoholic can stop drinking. I need food to survive. So, I
can’t always remove myself from situations that trigger my desire to eat my
pain or stress or whatever emotion is controlling me. I can’t stop hanging out
with friends when they want to go out to eat, and I am not strong enough that
day to say no to the fried chicken, or fried cheese, or HECK, they even make
FRIED GREEN BEANS… and I LIKE them.
So, I’m afraid of backsliding. I’m afraid I’ll never be
free. And, in that sense, I did not believe that I would be successful on
WeightWatchers when I signed up last summer. I was just hoping to get to some
weight that was more reasonable, so I didn’t feel like Jabba the Hut.
And here I am. About halfway to my goal… still wondering if
I have what it takes to make it. Still unsure of what my friends felt certain
about. They are right, of course. If you are baking a cake, and you have all
the right ingredients (and use them all properly) you will pull a cake out of
the oven after a little bit of cooking time. With weight loss, if you have all
the right ingredients and you use them all properly, you WILL lose weight. So
why don’t I believe this about myself? Why is there always a little part of me
that feels like I can’t/won’t succeed? Like I’ll never be free?
Freedom.
It’s my word for 2013.
Last year my word was “desire,” and the Lord taught me so
much about that word and what it means practically in my life. This year, I
know that I am supposed to be learning about freedom. Specifically, the freedom
that comes from accepting GRACE!
So, I want to dare to believe that I can be free from these
spiritual and emotional burdens, which manifest themselves physically. I want
to be free from eating my anxieties and fears about the future. I want to be
free from eating my self-consciousness, and my boredom, and my anger, and my
loneliness, and my pain. I want to know that I’m done with the majority of this
battle when I look in the mirror at my goal weight and KNOW that the outside is
a reflection of spiritual health on the inside.
I don’t know that food will ever be easy for me. Like an
alcoholic who relapses with one sip of wine, give me one taste of sugary
goodness at an inopportune time and I’ll go back to eating all the things!
Ok… couldn’t resist the picture. Last time. I promise!
But (as my wise and lovely roommate said the other day)
growing in Christ means repenting more quickly. With food, that looks like
falling off the wagon for a few days instead of two weeks. And eventually just
for one day, or one meal, etc. The time between recognizing sin and repenting
of it should be shorter as I learn to follow Jesus. And if this is the case,
there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to keep the weight off and be free
from all the burdens, literally and figuratively, of a lifetime of food
addiction.
And mostly I know this because of Philippians 1:6:
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in
you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Jesus will finish the work he began in me. I’m claiming that
as my #1 truth, especially in light of my motivational, and belief issues.
No snappy ending for this post… I’ve been trying to finish
it all day long and keep getting distracted… so this is it. Jesus will help me
finish this race. That is true. And it is all I need to know!
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