I felt messy, and unkempt, and unattractive, and I felt like I was doing a horrible job at my apartment gig. I put about 17 hours of work (over the past two days) into creating an event. ONLY 5 PEOPLE SHOWED UP. Today wasn't my best day, and after work, I didn't want to go out. I wasn't presentable. I didn't look good enough to be around people, and I felt like a failure.
It is easy to go hang out when I look like this:
On this day I was groomed and straightened and make-uped and feeling bright and shiny.
After reflecting back on the day and my emotions and my unwillingness to be seen looking like a slob, I realized that I needed to write, so here I am.
First of all, I don’t think I really realized what I was doing when I hit the
“publish” button on Wednesday. I sent some deep, dark secrets out into
cyberspace, and didn’t quite expect the amount of feedback that I got.
Don’t get me wrong. Every response I’ve gotten has been
positive, but eyes are watching, and I’m a little anxious about it. I think that is apparent in my new need to be groomed when I leave the house. I've worn some make-up and done my hair every day this week. That's not normal for me, but I'm suddenly aware that people are watching.
Just look at the gym situation from yesterday:
I have a new friend *cough (Casey S.)
cough* who has graciously agreed to be my gym accountability partner and
unofficial/official personal trainer. She is beautiful and wonderful and
challenging yet understanding and gracious. I kinda like her. ;)
But just knowing that a friend was in the gym at the same time
as me made me panic a little on the inside.
The thirty-minute cardio session that I’d done multiple
times the week before (and LOVED) seemed like torture. On other days, I’d been
exhilarated by the run. I’d even taken to raising one hand and praising Jesus
on the elliptical whilst listening to The Rend Collective Experiment. I didn’t
care what the workers or strangers thought about me while I was running, and
smiling, and singing (mostly in my heart but only because I was too out of
breath to actually sing), and praising God. But put me in the gym with someone
I know and I immediately get anxious.
So I ran, but I watched the clock, and I didn’t pay
attention to the worship music that fed my heart the week before. And I worried
about what my friend was thinking about me.
How silly I am.
I know that my self-consciousness was uncalled for, but this
is what happens when I am around other people in settings that acknowledge the
body over the brain. I feel weak and inferior. I worry that I can’t keep up with
the pack. I want to hide my body. There is no chance in hell that I’m gonna
look at my form while I do bicep curls. That might make me cry.
I say all of this because, ultimately, I am serious about
what I said on Wednesday. Even though there is part of me that wants to pull
the curtain back over this whole operation, I know that I need to be open,
honest, and vulnerable.
P.S. These videos about vulnerability are fascinating. You should check them out.
I was reading Mark 11 and 12 today (not on accident, of
course) and some key words caught my eye. There are a few references about the
scribes and elders not doing things because they fear the people. Meanwhile, in chapter 12,
verses 13-17, the Pharisees and Herodians are seeking to trap Jesus and they
say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s
opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of
God.” They then go on to ask Jesus about paying taxes, and Jesus does the whole
“Rend to Casear the things that are Caesar’s” deal.
This passage made me think. First of all, the scribes and
Pharisees and all of the whoever—sees of the day are always concerned with
what others think. The most tragic examples of this to me are of Herod and John
the Baptist, and Pilate and Jesus.
Mark 6:26-27 reads, “And the king was exceedingly sorry, but
because of his oaths and his guests he did not want to break his word to her.
And immediately the king sent an executioner with orders to bring John’s head.”
It seems that if Herod’s guests had not heard his oath, we
would have considered breaking it, but he is more afraid of what the others will think of him than of doing what is right and letting John live.
Similarly, Mark 15:12-15 reads, “And Pilate again said to
them, ‘Then what shall I do with the man you call the King of the Jews?’ And
they cried out again, ‘Crucify him.’ And Pilate said to them, ‘Why, What evil
has he done?’ And they shouted all the more, ‘Crucify him.’ So Pilate, wishing
to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas, and having scourged Jesus, he
delivered him to be crucified.”
Pilate didn’t want to kill Jesus. He even tries to rid
himself of the guilt of killing an innocent man, but he gives in to the people. If Pilate and Herod can
kill people because they are afraid of the crowd, it scares me to think about
what I might do out of fear of others.
Contrarily, even though the Pharisees and Herodians are trying to trap
Jesus when they say, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about
anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the
way of God,” they are really only speaking the truth.
Jesus doesn’t care about our opinions or appearances.
He
cares about God the Father, and what is good and true.
Jesus wasn’t swayed by the crowed that shouted at him and
pleaded for his death. He didn’t balk when
“those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, ‘Aha!
You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself,
and come down from the cross!” or when they said, “He saved others; he cannot
save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross
that we may see and believe.” (Mark 15:29-32)
Jesus only cried out, in agony, when he was separated from
God.
So today I am thankful for the reminder that I must do all things, including this sin slaying journey, for Christ, not for others. And if I want to be more like Jesus, that means
focusing on God... not worrying about who is watching me.
Also, this is, sadly, true. I don't think of others, because I am thinking about myself.
Others don't think about me, because they are thinking about themselves. Humans are silly.
I mean, I know I asked for this. And I believe that starting
this blog journey with all of you was the right thing to do. I really DO want
to be open and honest about my struggles. I really DO want accountability and
support. But that doesn’t mean I am good about accepting those things .
Especially when those awesome helps trigger unwelcome emotions and irrational
thought patterns.
So, for today, I will end with this.
Come to the gym with me if you want.
I need to learn to be
like Jesus and not care about what you wonderful people think: good or bad.
To gym buddies of days past who I’ve hurt because of my
insecurities and irrational fears, I am extremely sorry. *Let’s be honest. This
is a shout-out to the wonderful Meghan S. Forgive me for being a little crazy?*
I’m not at all perfect. I’m not even really rational half of
the time, but I do want to be more like Christ, and I am still excited about
this purifying process.
Please pray that I will be able to focus on Christ and the
task at hand, and not on the people around me. While I value you all, I have to
find my worth in Christ, because it comes from no other place.
Please subscribe to my blog if you want to stay updated.
Also, let me know in the next few days if you want to be assigned a prayer
topic. I’m going to make an official
list soon, so don't miss the opportunity to get your name on that sucker.
All praise be to God, who loves furiously and cares for
every hair on our heads (even the frizzy, unkempt ones!)
Bonus Picture: My friends and me after my favorite treat, the sno cone!
The response to my
post yesterday was pretty incredible. People told me that they identified with
me, were inspired by me, and offered specific helps on my journey. While I
appreciate (and plan to take people up on) these offers, I must admit they make
this journey a little more real than I’d like it to be on day two.
I have support, which means I have people to disappoint. If
I fail, I have a long way to fall, and I’d hate to let down all the people who
are “inspired.”
That being said, I am glad to have this issue. I need to
understand that my worth is in Christ, and nowhere else. If I fall, He will
pick me up. If I embarrass myself or feel like I’ve disappointed my friends, He
will just have to help me deal with the shame and help me keep trekking.
Thank you all for your kindness and encouragement. I am glad
you are on this journey with me.
As promised, I have to publish “The Plan!”
But I don’t know it all yet. I guess I may never know the
plan, because this plan has to be flexible.
In the past, I was legalistic about my food intake, whilst
doing WeightWatchers. For those of you who don’t know, WeightWatchers gives
every food a point value. You supply the company with some information about
your weight, age, gender, etc., and they tell you how many points you may eat
in a day. There are also extra points for special treats during the week.
In
the past, I never ate the extra points. I never ate the points I earned from
doing activity and going to the gym. I never really let myself have a break in
any way, shape, or form. But if this is going to be a lifestyle change, that
has to be the first change I make.
This journey has to be about grace.
I have to accept grace from God and from my friends who are
supporting me, and extend it to myself. Legalism is not part of this journey.
So, please, leave the judgment at home, ok?
If we are out to eat together, ask me if I would like to
share the queso dip, or if I want a cookie, or if I want a Dr. Pepper... you get
the picture. Then let me decide how many points I have, and if I want to spend
them on the dip, or not.
These are two of my trigger foods, but I need to learn how to deal with, and not just avoid them. So offer them to me!
The goal isn’t to trade one idol (the instant gratification
of food) in for another (legalistic control).
So, by all means, invite me places, and offer me food. Just, please, respect my “yes” or “no.”
Similarly, if we are meeting for lunch, I might bring a sack
lunch into a restaurant. I know, I know… craziness! Right? In the past, I know
that taking the food out of social events has been hard for EVERYONE involved.
When one person doesn’t eat, everyone suddenly gets self-conscious about what
they are eating. But right now, I just need for you to know that I want to hang
out with YOU. Not your food. I don’t care about what is on your plate, but I must
be careful with what is on mine. Ok?
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…
here is what I know
about the plan.
·It has to be based around prayer and scripture.
·It has to be flexible.
·It has to have an accountability system.
·It has to involve the indoor, air-conditioned
gym.
·It will involve WeightWatchers
·It will not involve legalism.
Prayer:
My wonderful roommate told me about one of her friends who
is having people pray for a specific ten pounds of her weight loss. I would
like to do this as well.
·I weigh 219.4 lbs.
·I want to weigh 135 lbs.
·That is 122 lbs. total from my all time high,
and 84.4 lbs. less than I weigh now.
·That means I need 8 people to commit to pray for
10 lbs. each, and I person to pray for those pesky last 4.4 lbs. The last few
are always the hardest to conquer! If you would like to pray for ten pounds,
let me know.
·I also need people to pray about topical things
while I am on this journey. These people I will contact specifically and ask
them to pray for things that I may not feel 100% comfortable divulging in
public.
I also just need daily, hourly,
minutely prayer. Nights are the hardest. Social settings can be torture. If
anyone wants to be an on-call accountability texter, let me know.
I am committing to pray daily and intentionally about my
struggle, I will also read my Bible daily and try to replace the lies I tell
myself with Biblical truths. I will also fast on Mondays during lunch with the
wonderful people at Fastpray
This blog is devoted
“to fast and pray on Mondays during lunch for 1)
men to come to know the Lord and to lead relationships, 2) for women to see
where they need to change and to change, and 3) for the gift of marriage to be
given to those who desire it.”
My struggle with my body relates to all three of
the things this group prays for, and so I want to join them. If anyone wishes
to do the same, let me know and we can support each other.
I am also committing to stop and pray when anxiety,
or stress, or hurt, or fear, or whatever else sets into my heart, and Starbucks
looks more promising than Jesus.
My battle isn’t with food. It is spiritual. I’ve
conquered food before. Remember?
But my adulterous heart is another matter.
Please partner with me in prayer as I seek Jesus in this area of my life.
I want to want him more than anything else.
Unfortunately, that is just not my default mode.
Flexibility:
I’ll say it again. This journey is about Grace. If
I don’t get to 135 lbs., but 145 is looking and feeling great, that is ok. If I
fall off the bandwagon and disappear for a few weeks, that has to be ok too.
I’m slaying sin, here, and failure has to be ok at some point. The trick will
be learning to get back on the horse and accept Grace. I don’t know how to do
this, so perhaps this is an area to specifically pray for. Pray that I will
learn to accept God’s love for me and accept the grace He has given. Pray that
I will be as kind to myself as I can be to others in similar situations.
Accountability:
Right now, I am seeing this happening on a few
different levels.
1.This
blog will keep me accountable and vulnerable in relationships as a whole. I
will post at least one update every week, on Wednesday. This is the day I will
weigh in, and I will report that weight along with any important happenings of
the Week.
a.Other
occasional blog posts may appear as needed.
b.Topical
posts will be a part of the first few weeks of this process as I continue to
purge my heart in attempts to be vulnerable and authentic.
2.The
friends that I ask to pray about specific, topical issues in my life will also
be charged with keeping me accountable in regards to that specific issue.
3.I am
asking a handful of close friends in Macon to sit down with me weekly and make
me TALK about my feelings. Writing is easier than talking, but I need to do
both.
WeightWatchers
and Gym:
I will weigh in
ONLY once a week, on Wednesday. I am toying with the idea of doing
WeightWatchers online and weighing in at home, but I will track my points daily
and report my weight once a week via blog.
The gym will be
a 5 or 6 day a week venture. I will engage in the following activities at the
gym:
Running on the elliptical
Weight training (on a rotating schedule = not a total body every other day type of thing).
Running on the treadmill in preparation for a 5k in 2013.
More specifics to come.
One day, I'll be as excited about running as #28 is. Maybe. ;)
Other:
I don't know how well I would do with people going to the gym with me. That probably would not be a help. But I would love to do hiking, or walking, or geocaching on the weekends with people. If this interest you, let's set something up pronto.
Your "to do" list:
Email or call me or text me if you are interested in having a specific part in my journey.
harris_christy1@columbusstate.edu
christyharris@trinitylifechurchga.com
not going to put my number on here, but you can email me if you want it.
Pray continually
Let me know if you are struggling with something that I am struggling with. I'd love to start a prayer list for people who are dealing with some of the same issues. I think Wednesdays will be my set day for this (when I want to be obsessed with my number on the scale, it will be better for me to pray for all of you). I'd love to hear what you are struggling with, so I know how to pray for you.
Subscribe to my blog so that you know what's up.
Thanks again for going on this journey with me. I appreciate you all, and I pray that this will be a meaningful experience for all of us as we seek to slay a little of the sin in the world.
