The Cost

Here I am. Lost. Again. Three months ago my life turned upside-down. I moved to a city where I knew no one, and I’ve been trying to keep my feet on the ground ever since. More often than not, I’ve felt as if I were sliding down-hill, face-first into the unknown. Finding the rhythm of life in a new place is hard. Especially when you are just a little white girl who ain’t got no beat.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m starting to feel like I fit in Macon. I’m starting to feel like I have community, both at church and with people my age. I’m starting to feel settled. The idea of not going back to Columbus every week makes me sad, but I definitely feel like Macon is becoming home, and I know I need to let go of my Columbus life-raft and let down my anchor here.

But three months into this new adventure, I’m having to make life choices again. What about school? Jobs? Housing? I’m finding that the school, part-time job, and housing situations that made it possible for me to move here might not be the ideal situations for my long (or short) term future. And adjustments have to be made. Pronto.

So anxiety, fear, and doubt came to camp out in the pit of my stomach over the past few weeks. These old friends launched assaults on my heart, and I wondered what, exactly, it is that God would have me do in light of my circumstances.

I sought council from people that I admire.

Everyone had a different solution.

And here is where I am really torn:

I don’t know what I’m called to tomorrow, but I do know what I’m called to today.

I know that I am supposed to be in Macon, Georgia working at Trinity Life Church. And that is about all that I know. God confirmed that for me 6 days after I applied for the job. But now what?

People keep telling me to prepare for my future: do what gives you the most/best options later. What will open the most doors? Go for that route.

Others tell me to follow my heart. What would you do if money wasn’t an option? Go chase that.

Almost everyone says, “Stay in school. You need to look out for yourself and get a good education.”

But my question is this:

Why do people seem to really believe that “God helps those that help themselves”?

I don’t remember the Bible telling me that school is the most important thing in life. I don’t remember it telling me to look after my own interests and store up treasures (in this case, security) on earth. I don’t remember the Bible telling me to do the logical thing.

I do remember the Bible telling me NOT to worry about tomorrow. I remember it telling me to be prepared to suffer in order to follow Christ and further the kingdom. I remember being told to listen to the Spirit, because God works in mysterious ways that don’t make sense to man.

And that is why I’m, more than a little, confused. Don’t get me wrong. I see the prudence in getting a degree that gives me career options, but I also see the need to be fully present HERE and NOW in this place in my life. And I want to be doing whatever allows me to focus on what I know I’m called to TODAY.  I really don’t know what is wise in regards to the future. I want to be responsible with the gifts and talents that God has given me, but I simultaneously don’t know that going through the system (just because that is what we all know) is the best thing to do.

I have to acknowledge, as a believer, that Christ doesn’t need me to have a degree in order to fulfill his purpose for my life. God doesn’t need for me to have certain credentials to use me in the mission field (be that in an American church or in any other place). God doesn’t need me to help him plan my life.

My verse for the year has been Psalm 37:4

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

I’m still struggling with this short, and sweet—yet simultaneously annoying—verse.

At the beginning of the year I wasn’t really sure what to do with this verse. Sometimes it just seems impossible to truly DELIGHT myself in the Lord.  And that is mostly because I’m afraid that He will look at my desires and refuse to give them to me.

In The Path of Loneliness, Elizabeth Elliot writes:

"God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better. With what misgivings we turn over our lives to God, imagining somehow that we are about to lose everything that matters. Our hesitancy is like that of a tiny shell on the seashore, afraid to give up the teaspoonful of water it holds lest there not be enough in the ocean to fill it again. Lose your life, said Jesus, and you will find it. Give up, and I will give you all. Can the shell imagine the depth and plentitude of the ocean? Can you and I fathom the riches, the fullness, of God's love?"

I may not know what the best thing is for my life right now, but I do know that I want to surrender to Christ. Yes, at times I am anxious about the next steps. Where will I be working and living next month? Who knows. But I don’t want to hold onto my shell anymore, afraid to let God fill it with his ocean of love.

I’m listening, and hoping answers come soon. But until then I’m just going to rest in the peace that comes from knowing that God has a plan. He wants me here, so “here” is where I’ll be. And I’ll do whatever He asks of me. Be it school, another part-time job, or pan-handling. This time, I refuse to orchestrate a plan myself. I refuse to do the logical thing. I refuse to plan for the future, until He speaks. Instead, I want to sing and pray and learn to delight in Him. Even if He doesn’t give me the desires of my heart, even if He does not provide a safe, stable, secure situation for me, even if he doesn’t give me a husband, or children, or a fulfilling job, or great friendships, or any of the things that I so greatly desire, I just want to surrender to and follow Him.

In the words of The Rend Collective Experiment:

I'm saying yes to You

And no to my desires

I'll leave myself behind

And follow You

I'll walk the narrow road

'cause it leads me to You

I'll fall but grace

Will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost

Oh I've counted up the cost

Yes I've counted up the cost

And You are worth it

I do not need safety

As much as I need You

You're dangerous

But Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase You through the pain

I'll carry my cross

'cause real love

Is not afraid to bleed

Jesus

Take my all

Take my everything

I've counted up the cost

And You're worth everything