Embracing Obscurity

The first few paragraphs of Embracing Obscurity: Becoming Nothing in Light of God’s Everything sums up my life. The author (Anonymous) writes that there is an unsuspected poison that is “numbing us, diverting our attention from the kingdom and undermining the gospel of Christ… We’re intoxicated with the desire to be known, recognized, appreciated, and respected. We crave to be a “somebody” and do notable things, to achieve our dreams and gain the admiration of others. To be something—anything—other than nothing.”

In the past few days, I’ve been realizing how deeply this desire to be a “somebody” affects my life.

It’s the reason I haven’t blogged in months.

It’s the reason I get anxious about the past, present, and future.

It’s the reason I buy stuff.

It’s the reason I volunteer my time and talents

It’s the reason I feel unwelcome at church.

It’s the reason I agonize over my life’s calling.

I want to be special, and I want for you to KNOW that I am special.

But let me back up a bit and explain where this is all coming from.

I haven’t posted in a few months, and that is because my life has been a little crazy. Frankly, I’ve been depressed. I’ve been worried about my future:

What is my career going to be?

How am I going to pay the bills in the next few months?

Will I ever be able to get out of debt?

What is my purpose in life?

Why did God gift me with talents and passions and spiritual gifts if I am not able to fully use these things in my career?

Can I go to seminary yet, God?

Why won’t you let me work in ministry?

All of these questions have been running through my head over the past few months, and, although I’ve been aware of it at times, I am currently struck with how “me” focused I’ve been. At the center of my selfishness is this desire to be known and liked, and God has been showing me that I’m not exactly the competent, admirable, somebody that I once thought I was.

God has been ruthlessly pursuing my heart throughout all of this. He has been wrecking me. Over the past few years, He has been constantly breaking me down, ripping me apart, and dealing with my stubborn refusals to do things His way. If I were a house, it would be fair to say that the Lord was tearing me down nail by nail these past few years. And at the beginning of this calendar year, all that was left was my foundation. But that foundation was faulty.

During my period of cyber silence, the Lord has been ripping up the concrete and steel in my heart. He’s been taking my faulty foundation, grinding it up (which has been more than a little painful) and creating a new foundation in truth. Scripture is replacing the lies that I believed, and as God is pouring this new, improved foundation in my heart, He is dealing with me in a few particular areas: chiefly my pride, and my fear of man.

So, back to Embracing Obscurity… it sounds horrible.

At the core of my selfish, depraved, human heart is a deep desire to be known, and to be special. I want to do something great with my life. I want to be well liked, and valued among my peers. I want for people to seek out my company and friendship. I want to be anything other than obscure.

Yet obscurity is what I’ve felt during my time in Macon.

In Columbus, people knew me. They valued me, and they told me how valuable I was. Cailey told me daily what a good job I did at Christ Community. I walked into the church and easily interacted with 50 people who made me feel important, loved, and known. I was in a graduate program, with an internship, and I was HEADED SOMEWHERE! Although Christ Community and being in Columbus was GREAT, it undeniably fed my pride in ways that I was not aware of until recently.

In Macon, I have had a constant feeling of being one of the masses. I’m not known, and I don’t feel special. I melt into the crowd. I have struggled with friendships and community. And I’m not headed anywhere of importance. I mainly exist, without much to give the people around me. At least that is how I often feel. And It has been depressing, well, lets call it what it really is… humbling.

But this time has been sweet too. Because part of my new foundation is a basic understanding of what Christ is calling me to do/be. He does not want my glory. He wants his own. He does not desire for me to be known, but for me to know Him. He wants me to let Him shine, and He wants me to value His strength and provision, not my own abilities.

He has had to hold my hands behind my back for a bit to teach me these things. I don’t think I would have ever really learned to look for Christ’s glory had I been able to keep parading about showing others how great I am (or at least how great I THINK I am). The past few months have been humbling, but they got me closer to Jesus and began to deal with my pride and fear of man/need for approval, so they were worth the pain and anxiety and tears.

I don’t have a nice little bow to tie everything up with today. I simply need to show you my sin. Right now, my heart wants my glory. I want you to know me and to like me. I want your approval, because it feeds my pride.

But, now that the Lord has exposed my sin to me, I know that He will bring His good work in me through to completion. I’m thankful that He sent His Spirit, so that I am not alone to deal with my sin. He is always with me, and that is enough for me.

Until we meet again,

Christy 

Lead Me to the Cross

So, I’ve been searching for motivation in the weight-loss/gym regime for the better part of two months. I started off strong, and then my routine broke, and I just couldn’t get back in the game.

Well, I found some motivation this week… it’s the GOSPEL. Imagine that! ;)    

So, what had happened was this:

During my devotions last/this week, the Lord convicted me about how self-centered I’ve been. Of course, the message was gentle, and sweet, but convicting all the same.  Primarily, I feel a need to refocus on Christ in two areas of life, my sin-slaying adventure, and how I spend my time.

Basically, the point is that I really did lose sight of how/why I do the things that I do. And the answer to the “how/why” question is ALWAYS the Cross.

The Cross was a theme in my daily devotional time this week, and in the Sunday service at Christ Community Church. It came up in conversation numerous times with friends, and the more I thought about what Jesus did for me on the Cross, my self-centered thoughts about finding “fulfilling work” and  my efforts to better myself for my own body’s sake just didn’t matter anymore.  I found myself overwhelmed with what Jesus did for me. Subsequently, over the course of the week, it became easier to choose to love and serve others instead of just loving and serving myself.

This weekend I took my boyfriend to Columbus to meet some of the greatest people he might ever meet. ;)  *yes, part of me is thinking about Mean Girls right now…*

My version of the Mean Girls pic. ;)

I’m so blessed to be able to call these special people my friends! So Saturday night, after everyone was asleep, I found myself bawling. Just crying because I know how incredibly blessed I am, and how undeserving I am of these blessings and Jesus’ Grace.

Of course, I began journaling. Just weeping and writing. It’s what I do. ;) And these were some of my thoughts on the past few months, and life in general.

“I feel so blessed. I wonder, “What have I done to deserve this.” And Your sweet voice comes to me with, “My GRACE.” It’s all about that. Always. I’ve done nothing. I deserve death, yet, you keep pouring out your abundant life onto me, like a waterfall—Niagra Falls!

Forgive me for forgetting the glory of the cross—for forgetting your sacrifice. Forgive me for honoring myself, first and foremost.

            (skipping ahead in my stream-of-consciousness journaling….)

            My actions show that I don’t believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I

don’t believe in the goodness of your creation.  It’s more than understanding depravity. It is reverse pride.  

But Lord, I want to be content with everything that you’ve given me. Even my body. I want to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made… just because you MADE me, not because I look a certain way or act a certain way.

I just want to rest in you by being me, and surrendering all that I am to you for you to refine.  Make me as gold refined...

            I lost sight of it all. I lost sight of the cross, I lost sight of you and the truth.

            Forgive me.

And keep showing me your perfect love. I see it here… with all my friends. And I get that you are pouring it out on me, but I still want to give back… to earn. And I have nothing to give or do that can earn any of it.  Show me how to be ok receiving and not having anything of value to give back.  Show me my worth and value in you.

            But most of all, right now, I just thank you for these sweet, sweet gifts of

friends. Thank you for the Jesus-with-skin-on love that’s rocking my world. And thank you for the Cross.”

Here are some of my sweet Columbus friends 

(from the last time that I went for a visit.)

I love all of these people!!!!

So, with the Cross back in focus in my heart, it was easier to get up and go to the gym at 5:30 again this week. It’s easier to choose to eat what is healthy, because “my only comfort in life and in death [is ] that I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my Savior Jesus Christ.”

Food isn’t my comfort. Jesus is. I don’t deserve to just comfortably eat what I want (all the sweet things!!!) and sleep in and wait for the next phase of life to catch up with me. Quite frankly, the only thing I deserve is death. But Jesus died for me, and now I belong to Him, and I gladly surrender my whole life to Him—even my early mornings in the gym, and the contents of my fridge. It’s all his.

And the rewards (other than eternal life and all) are incredible. Fellowship with Jesus is incredible. Being a part of Christian community and making friendships like I have at Christ Community and in Columbus, and now in Macon… there is just nothing like it.

I’ve surrendered. I’ll keep surrendering in the moments to come (when I try to take my burdens back from The Lord.) But, ultimately, I just want to follow Him, because I know what He did for me.

And right now, following Him looks like going to the gym in the mornings, eating healthily, giving myself to my jobs, and investing in my Macon community.

Those are the things that I’m called to RIGHT NOW, so those are the things that I am going to try to do with passion and zeal, out of a grateful heart.

So, motivation = found. Thankfully, it is coming from Christ, and not just some random reserve of energy that I discovered in my pinky toe. (My pinky toe ain't that big!)

My song for the day:

Only You (David Crowder Band)

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

And It's just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

You should see the view 

When It's only You

ONEderland

Well, I did it (in spite of every sub-conscious, and conscious, effort to sabotage myself) I reached ONEderland today. I now weigh 199.6lbs.

There is a part of me that is embarrassed to admit that I’m a girl who weights 199.6lbs. I’m even more embarrassed to admit that I ever weighted 259lbs. BUUUT, I do, and I did. So I guess that means I’ve officially lost 60lbs. since fall 2011.

I’m still struggling to get back to the gym.

There is still a part of me that is emotionally terrified of losing more weight… a part of me that can’t seem to get over the 55-60 lb hurdle (that’s where I stopped losing weight last time). But, I am not quitting. If I were a car, it would be fair to say that I’ve stalled out on the highway. BUT, I’m not calling someone for a tow. I’m just going to rest a bit until I can get back on the road.

HOPEFULLY, that will happen next week.

Ehh…. Someone I know, who is really smart, keeps telling me something about starting NOW, instead of waiting until tomorrow. I know I need to listen to that advice, but I’m not quite sure how to conjure motivation out of thin air.

So, tonight I think I will list some of my non-scale victories to get me motivated and back in the game. Positive thinking never hurt anyone, so maybe reminding myself of the changes that have taken place in me over the past year will make me realize that I really want to keep going. Let’s give this a shot!

           

*Disclaimer: many of these things may seem ridiculous, but there were times when I couldn’t do them, so I choose to celebrate my progress instead of being embarrassed about where I once was. Please choose to celebrate with me. I’m feeling a little self-conscious about some of these things… like number one.*

Let’s start with weight and body things:

·      I can cross my legs. (Once upon a time, this was nearly impossible. Now it is easy. Let the celebration commence!)

·      Hey, there is a “1” in front of my weight again. Let’s keep it that way.

·      I am pulling clothes from 2008 back into my wardrobe. Prior to 2008, these articles of clothing miiight have fit me during middle school… maybe.

·      I can elliptical for at least 75 minutes without dying.

·      I can run on the treadmill for at least 15 minutes without dying. (I’ve never really run anything or to anywhere in my life, so this is a big deal).

·      I have been consistently losing weight for a little over a year. The “slow and steady wins the race” thing is not my strong suit, so I think this is a pretty big deal.

·      My face is getting back to an oval shape. Much preferable to the pudgy circle it was a year ago.

·      Boots will encompass my calves now.

·      I can shop at Old Navy again, and Lane Bryant clothes are too big!

·      I got rid of all of THE ZIPPER SHIRTS!

·      I’m shopping in my jeans drawer all the time now.  

·      Shopping in my own closet is just always a happy thing, and I’ve done it a lot recently.

·      THE dress almost fits! (Girls know what this means, but I’ll enlighten the guys who dare to venture into my blogging world. Girls almost always have ONE dress that they looooove… and gauge their weight by. It’s the dress that they wore when they felt the most pretty and thin. It may or may not be a special occasion dress. The important thing is that it is the dress that makes them feel gorgeous, and MY dress almost fits again. I’m not sure that I even really like it anymore…. But. It. Almost. Fits. And that is enough for me.)

Emotional things:

·      I feel more comfortable in my own skin.

·      I don’t hate EVERY picture of myself that has been taken in the past three months.

·      I feel more confident of my physical abilities. I even want to start running short distance races… just a 5k, but that is a huge deal for me.

·      I no longer assume that people are looking at me and thinking about my weight. (Of course, I realize that 99% of the time people are thinking about nothing other than THEMSELVES, but the irrational, self-conscious Christy of yester-year often assumed that people were looking at and judging/pitying her. No more!)

·      I don’t find it COMPLETELY unbelievable that someone might find me attractive. Truth: this is still a hard feeling to fight, but my self-image is better, so feeling/being beautiful is more believable than in years past.

So, I never finished this blog last week, but here is the unedited, first and only draft of the ONEderland blog post. Today’s post coming soon.

WeightWatchers Moment to Ponder

Yesterday's blog... no pictures because life just doesn't want the to be here. 

WeightWatchers was kinda great today. One of the ladies, we shall call her “J”, started a conversation that really encouraged me, and made me rethink some things.

What had happened was this: our leader asked if we believed that we could lose weight when we first began doing WeightWatchers. Some of my fabulous friends replied that they did believe in themselves. They knew they could lose the weight, because they had a support group and they were resolved to do whatever it took to get healthy. They had the ingredients for success, so why doubt something that is totally feasible?

And then, Mrs. J decided to elaborate. She said that when she started WeightWatchers she realized she was a foodaholic. She has an addiction to food. When she admitted that to herself and started to view food like a drug, coming to meetings was a necessity. She said something eloquent, which I can’t remember, about how food was her drug and, coming to WeightWatchers was the equivalent of going to AA, and wearing her nametag every week was the equivalent of standing up and saying “hi, my name is J and I have a problem…”

And for the first time in a WeightWatchers meeting I felt like the ladies around me were addressing the REAL issues that most of us struggle with.

I’ve been upset with WeightWatchers for a while because they seem to be very actions focused. They tell you how to change what you do, but (in my opinion) don’t talk enough about the emotional reasons why we turn to food for comfort.  

But, there we were, twenty-ish ladies (and one man) talking about how we felt powerless to say no to food and to control ourselves in certain situations. And it felt good. It was one of the only times that I felt like the ladies at this meeting really GOT me.

And that really got my wheels turning.

When I began WeightWatchers for the first time in 2007, I did not believe in myself. I didn’t really think I could lose the weight. I was a skeptic, for sure. I was just so depressed and disgusted with myself that I was willing to try it. So I did, and I lost 55lbs.

You know the story by now though. I gained all that weight back, and then some, because being thin didn’t solve my emotional or spiritual issues, so I wound up depressed again… which meant I went right back to the food. All the food (but I won’t post the “eat all the things!” picture again…. Even though I kinda want to.)

So fast forward five years, and you see me in 2012, joining WeightWatchers again… skeptical, AGAIN. But, this time, my skepticism was different. I believed I could do the things necessary to succeed numerically. I knew how to work out and eat well and count points and journal and do all the things that equate to weight loss. But what I didn’t believe (and still greatly struggle to believe) is that I can keep the weight off and be free from the emotional and spiritual bondage that makes me turn to food as a drug.

That’s what’s so scary. I KNOW it is a drug, but I can’t literally stop eating, like an alcoholic can stop drinking. I need food to survive. So, I can’t always remove myself from situations that trigger my desire to eat my pain or stress or whatever emotion is controlling me. I can’t stop hanging out with friends when they want to go out to eat, and I am not strong enough that day to say no to the fried chicken, or fried cheese, or HECK, they even make FRIED GREEN BEANS… and I LIKE them.

So, I’m afraid of backsliding. I’m afraid I’ll never be free. And, in that sense, I did not believe that I would be successful on WeightWatchers when I signed up last summer. I was just hoping to get to some weight that was more reasonable, so I didn’t feel like Jabba the Hut.

And here I am. About halfway to my goal… still wondering if I have what it takes to make it. Still unsure of what my friends felt certain about. They are right, of course. If you are baking a cake, and you have all the right ingredients (and use them all properly) you will pull a cake out of the oven after a little bit of cooking time. With weight loss, if you have all the right ingredients and you use them all properly, you WILL lose weight. So why don’t I believe this about myself? Why is there always a little part of me that feels like I can’t/won’t succeed? Like I’ll never be free?

Freedom.

It’s my word for 2013.

Last year my word was “desire,” and the Lord taught me so much about that word and what it means practically in my life. This year, I know that I am supposed to be learning about freedom. Specifically, the freedom that comes from accepting GRACE!

So, I want to dare to believe that I can be free from these spiritual and emotional burdens, which manifest themselves physically. I want to be free from eating my anxieties and fears about the future. I want to be free from eating my self-consciousness, and my boredom, and my anger, and my loneliness, and my pain. I want to know that I’m done with the majority of this battle when I look in the mirror at my goal weight and KNOW that the outside is a reflection of spiritual health on the inside.

I don’t know that food will ever be easy for me. Like an alcoholic who relapses with one sip of wine, give me one taste of sugary goodness at an inopportune time and I’ll go back to eating all the things!

Ok… couldn’t resist the picture. Last time. I promise!

But (as my wise and lovely roommate said the other day) growing in Christ means repenting more quickly. With food, that looks like falling off the wagon for a few days instead of two weeks. And eventually just for one day, or one meal, etc. The time between recognizing sin and repenting of it should be shorter as I learn to follow Jesus. And if this is the case, there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to keep the weight off and be free from all the burdens, literally and figuratively, of a lifetime of food addiction.

And mostly I know this because of Philippians 1:6:

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Jesus will finish the work he began in me. I’m claiming that as my #1 truth, especially in light of my motivational, and belief issues.

No snappy ending for this post… I’ve been trying to finish it all day long and keep getting distracted… so this is it. Jesus will help me finish this race. That is true. And it is all I need to know!