I'm supposed to be asleep, but I can't shut my brain off. Awareness of the passing of time brings out the "meta" in me, so I guess I'm now writing the obligatory New Year's Eve/Day blog.
Firstly, I think it is of great importance to note that my previous New Year's thoughts were nothing like they are now. I've been struggling with the mid-twenties malaise for a while, but I find it interesting that I am not plagued with that tonight. New Year's eve and day usually mean anxiety and depression for me. Every year, I look back at all the sad, disappointing things that happened, and lament that I have not made it any closer to my big goals in life. But not this year.
For those of you who are wondering, my big goals have changed a little over time, but the main one has always been the same. I've always dreamed of being married. It has never been the grandeur of a wedding that makes my heart race. No, I just want a husband. I want someone to love (and to love me) for the rest of my life. And as long as I'm airing my dirty laundry here, I'll just go ahead and admit that I've never even been on a date. I've never had a boyfriend. I have been kissed, but it was a less than ideal situation that I'd really rather not count (if anyone is keeping score). And as 2011 gives way to 2012, I'm not upset about this. I mean, of course I'm not overjoyed by my current situation, but I'm more at peace with it than I've ever been. And this time it isn't the peace of denial. I'm not just cutting off the possibilities because they hurt and are scary. As corny and cliche as it may sound, I am learning what intimacy with God looks like, and suddenly other things just don't seem to matter as much. Maybe this sounds crazy to you, but maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about because you've experienced it too. I hope you identify with the later, because it really is pretty awesome.
Other big goals have been job and friend related. My job goals have changed over the years. There was a time when I felt like I had to have a big important job in order to be a successful person. I honestly felt like wanting to stay home and be a mom was a bad decision that only simple people made. Some of this is in relation to my childhood, but these thought mostly came from the pressures of school. Everywhere I looked people were telling me that women could do everything a man could. OF COURSE this is not a bad message, but some wires short circuited as the mantra took residence in my brain. I took the women's rights/girl power messages to devalue anything that is seen as traditionally feminine. I wanted an important job, one that made me powerful, and being a mom or a teacher or participating in any career that was traditionally female seemed somehow... less. It seemed weak. I struggled with what it meant to be feminine and womanly in the modern world, and have only recently really started to believe that being a mom or a teacher or something low key could be a worthwhile profession. I'd actually prefer to be somebody's mom and not "work," in the traditional sense.
But something strange has happened in regards to my profession, too. At the risk of sounding way too radical and simple all at once--I must admit that I really just want the freedom to openly proclaim and discuss my beliefs at work, which makes most careers sound like a bummer to me. I can't do this at a public school, so I really don't want to teach. But even with a complete uncertainty about what career path I will end up on in the next few years, I'm more than content tonight.
With all the detours I've taken this year, and with all the uncertainty of my future, I can't help but be amazed at what God has been teaching me (especially in the past few months). A little over two years ago I was agnostic. I pedaled my bike around aimlessly because postmodernism told me there was no objective purpose in life, and I believed that. I lived by the phrase that "life's about the journey, not the destination." And, friends, the problem with my ideology was that I didn't even believe there was a destination. Today, I might say something about the journey being sweet because it truly is. You have to stop and smell the roses and appreciate the journey, but I believe in a destination. I'm headed somewhere. My life has purpose, and that purpose is directly related to my belief in God and my desire to glorify his kingdom. I may not know what my destination is, but I can enjoy the journey because God is steering my bike, and I'm content to let him have control.
So this year, as I try to organize the thoughts running through my head, I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am optimistic--I know, you never thought you'd hear me say it! This year just seems bright and shiny and full of possibilities. This year is full or hope and promise and potential JOY! I'm sure it will hold its share of trials, especially since I'm entering into the year in a positive state of mind. There is a certain little guy who loves to pounce on Christians when they are feeling a little too much Spirit, but I am on the watch for him, and I don't plan on letting him get me down. Yes, I have tasted the Spirit, and He is with me now. He will be with me in 2012, and that is why I have hope. Situationally, 2011 was devastating, but spiritually, it was such a blessing. And now I'm anxious to keep going. I'm ready for 2012, and I can't wait to see what this year brings.
Thank you, Lord, for all of your gifts. Even life's fleas (see Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place).
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