Blessed Beyond Measure

Earlier this year, I made the mistake of trying to read one of my journals from my agnostic years. The pages are dripping with self-pity, depression, and anxiety. Especially on birthdays.  I remember spending some of the most depressing birthdays crying into my journal about how no one really understood, or loved, or cared about me… or some equally angsty complaint. I was such a little whiney baby. When I look back on my past and see just how far Jesus has carried me over the past few years, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m so thankful for His blessings.

When I look back on what was going through my mind in those times of my life, I cringe.
 But, thankfully, Jesus loved me then, he loves me now, and he will love me always!

This morning my roommate had a balloon and a sweet card for me when I woke up. I showered, had my coffee, and then I spent some time with the Lord. It was so sweet. I just sang to Him in my new favorite quiet-time place (the office futon). I sang, and prayed, and cried because I can’t believe how much love, joy, and peace He showers over me daily. He gives good gifts, but, more importantly, HE is good. And today, instead of worrying about what others were going to do for me, (if they would understand me and make my day special) I was just so thankful that God chose to allow me 25 years in this world, and I was thankful that I will get the opportunity to spend eternity in His presence.

I almost can’t believe that less than three years ago I wanted to end my life. If you don’t know my history, perhaps you should know that I’ve struggled with depression for almost as long as I can remember. In the spring of 2010 I was so depressed that I was seriously contemplating ending my life. But God (I love the power of those two words!) intervened and changed my life. He sent me to Christ Community Church, and surrounded me with Christian community. He showed me what real grace and love are all about. And today I was overwhelmed with how much joy (instead of depression) I feel on a daily basis because of my relationship with my savior. Life is so sweet, and I can’t believe how close I came to giving it away.

Today was just SO good. Even though, on paper, this birthday should have been really hard for me. I’m 25, and as little girl I figured I’d be married and thinking about kids by now. Last year that little girl in me was ashamed of the fact that I’d never had a boyfriend (still haven’t). That little girl in me didn’t want to be headed toward 30 single, Oh, last year, 24 made me feel very, VERY aware of my singleness.  But God, has been working in my heart and this year all I feel is blessed.

Ain't that the truth?

I am a child of God. He has provided for me in numerous and incredible ways this year (and in my past). He has blessed me with an incredible community that extends across cities and states. Today my phone rang off the hook with people calling to tell me happy birthday, they didn’t just do the facebook post, they actually called. Even a sweet little girl from church called to wish me happy birthday. All. Day. Long. People. Called.  And God just showered me with love in so many ways.  He reminded me of how faithful He is.

Yes, I felt the "Jesus with skin on" kind of love today, but I was also overwhelmed with joy because my identity is in Christ, and I am so thankful for that. Yes, I am 25 and happen to be single, but God chose me as His bride! I have a history of depression and brokenness, but God redeemed me and He is healing me. I fail miserably at so many of the things that I set out to do, but God loves me anyways, and He is gracious enough to teach me through my failures.

I am a sinner. I have a thoroughly selfish heart. I seek my own gain. I want my own way. I hurt others. I protect myself. I hide. I build up barriers between myself and others. I lash out at people who make me feel threatened. I sin. Every. Day. Intentionally, and unintentionally. BUT GOD always forgives. He always offers Grace. He lets me bury my head in his chest and cry through the pain of life. And He cares enough about me to expose my weaknesses and let that process refine me.

I deserve death, yet He showers me with blessings!

And He also gives me days like today, that are just so sweet and pure and GOOD. So full of JOY! Today I spend time with my Lord. I talked to friends and family. I had some tender moments with the children at Campus Clubs. I got to pray silently over a little boy (with a truly horrible home life) while he nuzzled up next to me to watch The Lion King. And then I had some of my new friends over for food and fellowship. It was just so GOOD. I am truly blessed.

When left to my own devices, I (literally) seek death. BUT GOD can reach down and pluck hearts out of dirt and decay, clean them off, and make them better than new. I am so thankful that He chose to do that for me. I am overflowing with gratitude for the gifts that He has given me, and even in the wake of presents, and cards, and balloons, and sweet acts of service, nothing trumps the gifts God has given me.

So as I turn off my light and get ready for a 5:00am alarm that will put me back in the grind of another normal, birthday-less day, I just want to stop and acknowledge that every day (birthday or not) is a gift from Jesus Christ who died for my sins, and showers me with love. Today was GOOD, but tomorrow is just as sweet, because it is another day with my Lord, and with the people He has placed in my life.

It is MORE than well with my soul.

Jesus, I am in awe of you.

You are so precious to me.

I know I choose sin over you daily,

But I desire to follow you, and know you more.

Keep changing my heart, Lord.

Keep making me more like you.

Keep refining me and making me die to myself.

You are GOOD, when there is nothing good in me.

And I thank you for every second of time

That you have blessed me with on this earth.

Please accept my thanks and praise as an act of worship.

Nothing I say or do will ever be enough to thank you for your gifts to me,

But I have to try.

I have to tell you how much I love you.

I have to sting my puny words together to let you know that I think you are the bee’s knees.

Thanks for showering me with blessings.

Even the ones that come through raindrops.

Wishing you the joy that comes ONLY from having relationship with Jesus Christ,

Christy